Writer's Block: Go it alone

[author_by_night]

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Not intentionally, but... well, the holidays beg for awkward social situations when you're single, because a lot of couples have this way of looking at you when you talk to them at, say, social holiday functions. Of course, I'm sure sometimes it's in our heads, at least a little - you know, we're taught from childhood that we shouldn't bother Aunt Mary and Uncle Gary or Mr. and Mrs. Smith at parties, so even when couples are actually our own age, there's still this Voice of Eternal Instinct telling us: "You've said hi, that's enough. Go find someone your age to play with - oh, wait..." It's hard to know when that couple really wants you to go away, and when you just feel uncomfortable and are making the situation even more awkward in your head.

I do think there's pressure to have a SO, both in society and frankly, human nature. I consider myself a feminist of sorts, but I still think everyone wants to be loved. Some more than others, but I think very few people don't ever look at other couples and wonder, don't ever wake up alone at night and think how nice it would be to have someone's arms to fall back to sleep in... humans were made to love. Sometimes human nature makes couples at parties act, okay, a little obnoxious. Other times, it makes singles uncomfortable over what was nothing more than a second of silence as the couple thought of what to say next.

Of course, there's ways to remedy the situation. When we go out to dinner for work, couples are often split up. Maybe it seems a little mean, but I think it works best when that happens. Last year we didn't manage to do that, and my coworker and his wife kept whispering to one another while other people were talking to them. And yet the previous years, when they weren't next to each other, they'd been more than pleasant. They are lovely people, but they are that couple who, when together, tend to forget there's an entire world around them.

Comments

[alchemistc.livejournal.com]

I consider myself a feminist of sorts, but I still think everyone wants to be loved.

Its not even that - it's in the human nature to want to be connected to someone on the very base levels - it's why we stick with family, its why we make friends - wanting a companion is in our very instincts.

I think society - most especially the entertainment that comes from our society - puts a lot of pressure on have a SO. And mostly on women. You see all this hailing of the bachelor, how it's the ultimate way to be if you're a twenty-something man, but almost always when you're shown the single woman she's desperate or depressed or just plain annoying. I think you can be proud to be single.

But it's really annoying when that cloying couple at next to you at dinner are acting like the "it" clique you thought you'd gotten rid of in high school.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

Its not even that - it's in the human nature to want to be connected to someone on the very base levels - it's why we stick with family, its why we make friends - wanting a companion is in our very instincts.

I think you're right, though I think some people go one direction more.

but almost always when you're shown the single woman she's desperate or depressed or just plain annoying. I think you can be proud to be single.

I think you can be proud to be single too. I know I am - I'm not saying the door is closed, but I'm not pining for anyone either.


But it's really annoying when that cloying couple at next to you at dinner are acting like the "it" clique you thought you'd gotten rid of in high school.

Exactly. Who are nice to you, but in a way that's patronizing and makes you all shifty. Or who just ignore you period.

[r-a-black.livejournal.com]

We're social creatures, we're always going to want companionship, and when friends can't be there to fill those needs, we're going to look for the stronger commitment, the SO. That's why some people stay with their SO even when their SO totally sucks, the company is still important to them. Er, along with several other reasons.

I hate those couples, and Kevin and I always try not to be one of those couples (especially the extreme PDA couples that have no problem making out in front of others). We're not great at being social in general, but when it comes to my friends, we consciously avoid going into that "no one exists but us" mode. I knew a couple that was like this in my book club. They would show up and not talk to anyone but each other, so after a while the person who made the book club stopped inviting them because they never actually participated (didn't even finish the readings at times) and it often felt like we were intruding on their date. So annoying.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

We're not great at being social in general, but when it comes to my friends, we consciously avoid going into that "no one exists but us" mode.

I think there's definitely a big difference between not being social and being in "nobody else exists" mode. :) Honestly, I can see myself being with someone who, like me, isn't overly outgoing and has a small circle of friends - at the same time, the friends we have need to be a priority too.

The couple in your bookclub sounds extremely rude. I'm glad they stopped being invited.

and it often felt like we were intruding on their date. So annoying.

And that's what gets on my nerves. I know sometimes it probably is me, but I do think there's couples who act like you're being intrusive, which makes no sense to me. If the issue is that your SO doesn't want to be there, don't bring your SO.* If the issue is that you want to do more "couples things" that don't involve other people, don't even go to that thing. If you're just a clingy couple... well, we all have flaws, but we all have to work on them, right? Sigh.


* Or tell your SO to get over it, depending on the situation.

[r-a-black.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's also annoying when you're hanging out as a group and suddenly it's like, "Hey, where did such and such couple go?" And later it becomes obvious that they ran off alone to do something that no one wants to know the details of. I could sort of get that maybe some couples need something like that, something maybe wild and random on their part to help their relationship, but the ones that constantly do it end up making everyone else feel awkward.

[auntiemamie.livejournal.com]

I totally agree. And one can be a feminist and still want to have a relationship. I know that I am very happy with my life (divorced, no kids). Society really doesn't know how to categorize us happy singles, especially if you don't have kids. That's one reason I have developed friendships with diverse people. On the other hand, I have never felt left out when doing things with the friends that I have had for years. Many of these friends are people that I went to high school with and they married other people from our school (a very small school, less than 400 kids). So I'm not just friends with the wife, but also with the husband. That may partly be due to knowing each other as singles in high school before dating and marriage took place.

I also think the media plays a big roll in our perception of the holidays. You never see the single person eating a TV dinner in front of the TV in a Christmas ad. We all want the "perfect" Christmas. It can be especially difficult for a single person because there is no SO or kids in the picture. Don't think that will change anytime soon, though.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

So I'm not just friends with the wife, but also with the husband.

Yeah, I never really had that, but as you said, you were in a small town. I didn't even go to school in the town I lived in, and half the kids there lived in different towns as well. And I also didn't have a lot of friends, and the ones I did who dated were never with guys I was friends with. But I do think that what you have makes a difference in a lot of ways, and I'm kind of hoping I have that eventually. But most of my friends don't even know each other. :/