Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum

[author_by_night]

Psst: As with many things on the internet, the product you are about to enjoy is not srs bzns. Read this before reading the rest of my post.


I haven't been around lately, as many of you have noticed. Those of you who haven't are about to be defriended. The reason I haven't been around is because I have been absolutely shocked at the poor quality of fanfic on the internet. After I posted the Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum  back in 2002, fanfiction immediately started to get better. But then Geocities went down, and with it, my beloved Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum. I thought it would be okay - surely fandoms across the dark cyberspace would remember my wise words.

But even my friends have forgotten! I am disappointed in you lot most of all. After all we've been through together, you couldn't remember anything positive brought to our friendship. You seem to remember the time I had my RP character kill off all of yours (because yours sucked) and the time I told everyone to defriend you for not shipping Hagrid/Dumbledore, but you cannot remember how I saved you from being a bad fanfic writer. Well, tried to save you, most of you still suck.

So I dug into my files and realized I changed computers seven or eight times since I first posted the Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum. Whoops. I eventually got my dear friend Tula to email a copy she'd saved to me, so... here goes!


Writing a good fanfic may seem hard to do. It isn't, as long as you follow seven simple rules. And are not an idiot.

1.  The following foods and condiments should never appear in a fanfic: Celery, carrots, bananas, apples, ice cream, mayo, or ketchup. Nobody likes those things except for Mary Sues.

2. All chapters should be precisely seven pages long, especially Harry Potter fanfic because JK Rowling loves the number seven. If the last paragraph is not right at the bottom of the seventh page, it ruins the entire fanfic. 

3. Only write about major characters.Minor characters never end up playing important parts in canon, after all, so they should not be in your story.
.
4.Doctor Who fanfiction should never involve the Companions.

5. A story should always be at a very specific point between happy and sad. Happy stories make me sick, but sad stories make me think you're a lowlife with no friends who lives in their parents' basement. Characters should smile politely and nod, not laugh or speak eagerly.

6.. Never include the word "grass" in your fanfiction. It has unfortunate implications. You should also never mention someone asking for coke, speeding up, or have a character snort. We all know what you probably mean - it's about what you might actually mean.

.7.No bunnies! Ever, ever, ever. They're evil.  

Want me to make sure your fanfic meets all the requirements? Email it to me! stupendouslyterrific@mememe.irawk. You may cry when I respond, but don't worry... I once told someone her story actually killed my goldfish, because it did for real, and I'm certain it did wonders for her self confidence.

Comments

[dbassassin.livejournal.com]

No mayo? But what will people use for lube during foodsmut? Olive oil is so 2002.

[super-pan.livejournal.com]

Well what do you think about mayo made of olive oil? Is olive oil really so 2002? I am really behind the times.

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

You mean aioli? Only if it's also garlicky!

[super-pan.livejournal.com]

Have I told yall I can't eat shellfish anymore? No more shrimp, mussels, lobster, oysters, or crab, or any of that delicious stuff. I just bring it up because you mentioned a garlicky aioli which made me kinda hungry.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

Anything as long as it's not Mayo.

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

OMG! These rules are so true! I like ketchup, though, does that mean I'm a Mary Sue :-P
Also, you should add a rule about Sherlock BBC fanfic: no slash, because Sherlock is asexual!

[super-pan.livejournal.com]

Hey, how come you can have a ketchup fetish, but I can't talk about bread?

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

I don't have fetish, I like to have ketchup with my French fries. It's not the same! And stop using the br**d word! It's seriously started to upset me!

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

Ketchup is SO American! If you're not having your fries with gravy and cheese curds you aren't really living!

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

No, ketchup is *not* American, it's French! It's just like coca-cola, which was originally invented in Corsica!

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

No, coca-cola was invented in Atlantis! Don't you know anything?

[super-pan.livejournal.com]

Hork! (that's a gagging sound, by the way!) Also, what continent do you live on? North America! You're American too. Canadian American!

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

I am not Canadian American!!! Canada is bigger than your a-hole country! Here we say "pardon".

[super-pan.livejournal.com]

Well, I really like ketchup on my French fries too. We're not so different, you and I.

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

(Oh, God... Now I have to go scrub my brain)

Yes! Maybe you can get a sockpuppet, too! It would be lovely! Our sockpuppets could play together!

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

B-b-but if I can't include companions in Doctor Who fanfic, how am I supposed to write about Rose and their special love?!?

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

Rose was the biggest Mary Sue ever. At least the rest are tolerable Sues. The only time I liked her was when she said she "died", but then it turned out she didn't. Damn it.

Write Jack. Some call him a Canon Stu, but I rarely count men on the Sue/Stu equation.

[dbassassin.livejournal.com]

No way, man. With all due respect, companions in descending order of Sue-ishness:

1. Pond
2. Martha
3. Rose

Donna isn't on the list because she's the only non-Sue companion ever. Except the one that was a guy, 'course.

[super-pan.livejournal.com]

I dunno, Rose didn't seem too Mary Sue-ish to me because she seemed like such a dim bulb. I like Amy Pond OK, but she is quite Sue-ish.

[dbassassin.livejournal.com]

Other than Donna, they're all extremely stupid, so saying Rose isn't a Sue because she's stupid is kind of a straw man arguement.

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

Rose was not a dim bulb! Take that back!

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

But you said my OC was a Stu!

Jack is the biggest Stu ever. And such a whore! I might write Jack...getting shot out of a torpedo tube into space!

[almostsophie.livejournal.com]

*snort*

[daintress.livejournal.com]

Oops. This reply doesn't count, right? ;)

[dinpik.livejournal.com]

No ketchup?! INFIDEL.