Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum
Jun. 18th, 2011 12:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
author_by_nightPsst: As with many things on the internet, the product you are about to enjoy is not srs bzns. Read this before reading the rest of my post.
I haven't been around lately, as many of you have noticed. Those of you who haven't are about to be defriended. The reason I haven't been around is because I have been absolutely shocked at the poor quality of fanfic on the internet. After I posted the Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum back in 2002, fanfiction immediately started to get better. But then Geocities went down, and with it, my beloved Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum. I thought it would be okay - surely fandoms across the dark cyberspace would remember my wise words.
But even my friends have forgotten! I am disappointed in you lot most of all. After all we've been through together, you couldn't remember anything positive brought to our friendship. You seem to remember the time I had my RP character kill off all of yours (because yours sucked) and the time I told everyone to defriend you for not shipping Hagrid/Dumbledore, but you cannot remember how I saved you from being a bad fanfic writer. Well, tried to save you, most of you still suck.
So I dug into my files and realized I changed computers seven or eight times since I first posted the Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum. Whoops. I eventually got my dear friend Tula to email a copy she'd saved to me, so... here goes!
Writing a good fanfic may seem hard to do. It isn't, as long as you follow seven simple rules. And are not an idiot.
1. The following foods and condiments should never appear in a fanfic: Celery, carrots, bananas, apples, ice cream, mayo, or ketchup. Nobody likes those things except for Mary Sues.
2. All chapters should be precisely seven pages long, especially Harry Potter fanfic because JK Rowling loves the number seven. If the last paragraph is not right at the bottom of the seventh page, it ruins the entire fanfic.
3. Only write about major characters.Minor characters never end up playing important parts in canon, after all, so they should not be in your story.
.
4.Doctor Who fanfiction should never involve the Companions.
5. A story should always be at a very specific point between happy and sad. Happy stories make me sick, but sad stories make me think you're a lowlife with no friends who lives in their parents' basement. Characters should smile politely and nod, not laugh or speak eagerly.
6.. Never include the word "grass" in your fanfiction. It has unfortunate implications. You should also never mention someone asking for coke, speeding up, or have a character snort. We all know what you probably mean - it's about what you might actually mean.
.7.No bunnies! Ever, ever, ever. They're evil.
Want me to make sure your fanfic meets all the requirements? Email it to me! stupendouslyterrific@mememe.irawk. You may cry when I respond, but don't worry... I once told someone her story actually killed my goldfish, because it did for real, and I'm certain it did wonders for her self confidence.
I haven't been around lately, as many of you have noticed. Those of you who haven't are about to be defriended. The reason I haven't been around is because I have been absolutely shocked at the poor quality of fanfic on the internet. After I posted the Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum back in 2002, fanfiction immediately started to get better. But then Geocities went down, and with it, my beloved Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum. I thought it would be okay - surely fandoms across the dark cyberspace would remember my wise words.
But even my friends have forgotten! I am disappointed in you lot most of all. After all we've been through together, you couldn't remember anything positive brought to our friendship. You seem to remember the time I had my RP character kill off all of yours (because yours sucked) and the time I told everyone to defriend you for not shipping Hagrid/Dumbledore, but you cannot remember how I saved you from being a bad fanfic writer. Well, tried to save you, most of you still suck.
So I dug into my files and realized I changed computers seven or eight times since I first posted the Stupendously Terrific Fanfic Ultimatum. Whoops. I eventually got my dear friend Tula to email a copy she'd saved to me, so... here goes!
Writing a good fanfic may seem hard to do. It isn't, as long as you follow seven simple rules. And are not an idiot.
1. The following foods and condiments should never appear in a fanfic: Celery, carrots, bananas, apples, ice cream, mayo, or ketchup. Nobody likes those things except for Mary Sues.
2. All chapters should be precisely seven pages long, especially Harry Potter fanfic because JK Rowling loves the number seven. If the last paragraph is not right at the bottom of the seventh page, it ruins the entire fanfic.
3. Only write about major characters.Minor characters never end up playing important parts in canon, after all, so they should not be in your story.
.
4.Doctor Who fanfiction should never involve the Companions.
5. A story should always be at a very specific point between happy and sad. Happy stories make me sick, but sad stories make me think you're a lowlife with no friends who lives in their parents' basement. Characters should smile politely and nod, not laugh or speak eagerly.
6.. Never include the word "grass" in your fanfiction. It has unfortunate implications. You should also never mention someone asking for coke, speeding up, or have a character snort. We all know what you probably mean - it's about what you might actually mean.
.7.No bunnies! Ever, ever, ever. They're evil.
Want me to make sure your fanfic meets all the requirements? Email it to me! stupendouslyterrific@mememe.irawk. You may cry when I respond, but don't worry... I once told someone her story actually killed my goldfish, because it did for real, and I'm certain it did wonders for her self confidence.
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no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:42 pm (UTC)Also, you should add a rule about Sherlock BBC fanfic: no slash, because Sherlock is asexual!
no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 04:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:01 pm (UTC)Yes! Maybe you can get a sockpuppet, too! It would be lovely! Our sockpuppets could play together!
no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:19 pm (UTC)Napoleon did not invent the tricorn! He invented the bicorn and the narwhal! And why would you post a video full of subliminal messages? Are you trying to hypnotize us?
no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:25 pm (UTC)No! I just want you to write chapter 2 of your fic so that we can raise awareness of Embolia Pneumonitis Maximus. Maybe you could also write a sockpuppet in the fic so that we can also raise awareness about sockpuppets? And maybe you could also put Sherlock *not* having s*x in the fic so that we can also make sure that the fic is not offensive?
no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-18 05:27 pm (UTC)