Spinsterhood/Catladyhood

[author_by_night]

So apparently, Jennifer Aniston has declared that she is okay with being a "lonely single girl."

This is hardly the first time I've seen it declared that to be single is to naturally be lonely. I even read an article that suggested learning how to play one-person games and not being shy to order pizza for yourself, because of course nobody associates with the single girl. People see the single girl as forever alone, loveless and desperate.

Is there ever truth in that? Well, let me look at myself, a single girl headed for "spinsterhood." (Actually, I think the modern term is "cat lady." Because women with significant others hate cats.)

- I have a job that helps me pay for my basic needs.

- I have a supportive family, who I love.

- I have supportive friends, who I love.

- I'm generally happy with where I am.

Now, of course a man in my life would be nice. And I'm not going to lie, I've had guys I was interested in, and I've felt longing for a relationship. If I met a man this week and discovered we both had feelings for each other and both did not want to be apart, I'd gladly pursue something deeper. 

But why does every woman have to be in a relationship to be considered complete? Queen Elizabeth I defeated the Spanish Armada without a man. Back then, you had the choice of being married to a man and popping babies every year until you finally died in childbirth, or being unmarried and making history. I'd personally rather make history.

When two people find each other, a special bond is made. It's definitely something worth wanting for oneself. But it's not anything that should be an obligation, because platonic love counts for a lot - as does self-confidence.

Headed for spinsterhood/catladyhood? Eh, hopefully I'll find a man someday. But if not - I know I will be okay.

Comments

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. The cats here came with Mr Brammers ...

I think that it is infinitely better to live a happy and engaged single life than be in a relationship that does not work. Alas, too many people think otherwise. It is possible to make history and have a relationship, but much, much harder. It is certainly not necessary to have a man to be complete, indeed, it can be a very easy way to cheat on the self-growth front.

You will certainly be okay. Probably quite splendid, no matter what life holds.

[maureen.livejournal.com]

"I think that it is infinitely better to live a happy and engaged single life than be in a relationship that does not work." Amen to that!

I am 36 and have never been married. I've had several relationships, none lasting more than a year (can you say commitment issues?) and at times there have been long dry spells in between them. Thing is, I like myself and I like my life and I'm not willing to settle just to be part of a twosome.

Lots of people think that way, though. I remember when I moved to North Carolina at age 23... a kindly old southern woman asked me my husband's name. I told her I wasn't married. Her hand flew to her mouth and she said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry." People fear (or don't like) what they don't understand. I also maintain many of them are secretly jealous.

[vegablack62.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything that you have to say, but I would like to point out a difference between you and Jennifer Aniston. You are still in your twenties (am I right?) while Jennifer admits to being at least 40.

Many men when you are forty are either married, divorced with a lot of kids and baggage, have proven themselves to be too Psycho to trust or are so settled into being on their own that they are not willing to adapt to another person at all. This makes the prospect of not having a significant other for the rest of your life seem to be a real possibility. This becomes a big thing as you face truly getting old alone.


You are in a different world all together. Many men are not permanently attached, and are available, the Psychos haven't yet proven themselves to be permanently in this state so there is yet hope. You have a life of possibilities ahead of you. Jennifer sees her possibilities as waning.

Now I have to ask if that is true. Both my sisters married and had kids as they were approaching their forties. Marriage is still an opportunity but also as you pointed out she has a lifetime of possibilities ahead of her. One she seems to be only tentatively approaching.

My daughter is 27 and unattached. I see no reason to think that is anything worth being concerned about. In High Fidelity there's a character who says that to some people being 25 and alone is a reason to panic and believe that you will never be loved. I was forty when I saw that movie. I thought that statement was the most ridiculous I had ever heard.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

You are still in your twenties (am I right?) while Jennifer admits to being at least 40.

You're right, and you also have a good point. Still, I do know people who are that age and single and perfectly happy - yes, I'm sure they wish they had someone, and admittedly not everyone has platonic loved ones to realistically grow old with.

In High Fidelity there's a character who says that to some people being 25 and alone is a reason to panic and believe that you will never be loved.

Now, I get if they mean that those people might have literally nobody else, and as I said, there are people like that. Not everyone has friends or family they can rely on. But if those people do... no, it's not the same as having a significant other, but it surely doesn't make them alone.

[vegablack62.livejournal.com]

I agree that there are all sorts of people happily single at any age. Being single is much much better than being married to the wrong person too. People should remember that. The worst thing in the world is to be married to a controlling, bossy, or even violent person.

[scionofgrace.livejournal.com]

Word, word, word. I know two people younger than me (I'm not yet 30) who are on their second marriages. I would much rather be a never-married single than divorced.

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

Okay. I didn't know I had to have a complete melt-down, including someone holding my hand and nodding encouragingly while I was ordering pizza on my own the first time. Damn, I need to work on my attention-whoring ways!

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

You do. ;)

[ladyaelfwynn.livejournal.com]

This is one of those topics that's a bit of a hot button for me as it's so sexist! Single women are spinsters or crazy cat ladies; single men are playing the field, sewing their wild oats, enjoying their freedom. Grr! Argh!

If you are happy, that's all that matters. The rest is BS.

A lot of the women in my family married later than average. My stepmom's first marriage (to my dad) happened when she was 36. My aunt's only marriage happened when she was 60!

If you've got a job that you don't mind and pays the bills, people you love, and hobbies you enjoy, then you are doing it right. Anyone tries to tell you other wise is just wrong.

[vegablack62.livejournal.com]

completely right.

[parsimonia.livejournal.com]

Back then, you had the choice of being married to a man and popping babies every year until you finally died in childbirth, or being unmarried and making history.

History nerd in me must nitpick: there was birth control back then, though I'm sure not everyone was aware of it or practised it. Although as Queen she would be expected to have children so as to carry on the royal line, I would imagine that if, say, she got married and had a few kids, she would have been able to access some form of contraception if she wanted it. And I also want to add that lots of women who did have children before birth control was more widely used (and information about it more widely available) did make history as well.

But yeah, I think for various reasons, society just doesn't know what to make of single women, so the default is to assume there's something wrong with them, rather than assuming that they are happy the way they are or that they are single by choice.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know married women with kids made history. I was just pointing out that a single woman was strong enough to make it.(And in retrospect, not being married doesn't mean she didn't court).

[edgiko.livejournal.com]

She had boyfriends but yeah, never married. I think it had to do with she didn't want to share power with a king.

[edgiko.livejournal.com]

SHEEP'S GUT! Or I forgot what they used. I know a lot of upper class Roman families decided against children and would try all sorts of methods.

[parsimonia.livejournal.com]

I know there were some herbal remedy type-things used by women, but yeah, I'm sure that all sorts of things have been used as condoms over the years.

[edgiko.livejournal.com]

Who needs a romantic relationship, really? I mean, you're not lonely. I like this because people keep thinking that you're alone if you're single. Truth is, you're not.

I have great friends. We all go on dinner dates, cook for each other, goof around, and do things that people sometimes do when they're in a romance. Though I broke up with my boyfriend, I didn't feel alone and miserable because I had them to help me through it. I will say I'm feeling terribly lonely right now and it's because I miss them so much. I think about them and while the visits over the summer helped, I can't wait to go back and see everyone that I couldn't.

I wish our culture got out of the whole "you need a relationship to be complete." I mean, yeah you do. If you don't have a relationship (by that, I mean friendships, family, and whatever), you're going to be slightly miserable. But you don't need romance.

[miss-sophia.livejournal.com]

because platonic love counts for a lot

Yes, this. It's very underrated. In fact, this is one of my sort of pet issues with fanfic. It's all about ships and romance, which is all well and good, but why are so few people interested in exploring friendships or family relationships? There is something absolutely beautiful about best friendship and the (non-incestual, GAH!) relationships between mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, etc.

[r-a-black.livejournal.com]

Before Kevin, I was against dating because I'd met so many boys that were complete idiots. I didn't feel bothered being "alone" because I had friends and family and responsibilities, etc. I was even kind of smug, actually, because the friends that had their boyfriends or girlfriends usually had a lot of problems. He did this, she said that, now they're not talking, bla bla bla, and there'd I'd be the whole time drama-free.
If Kevin weren't around, I'd probably still be the same. The idea of that doesn't bother me, the idea of being with someone who causes me stress and makes me unhappy does. In fact, even now I get questions and remarks on how bad I must feel because he isn't around, and sometimes it sounds like they're talking more about me being without a guy than me being without him specifically. It's annoying as hell.

[daksian.livejournal.com]

Intellectually, I agree with you: a person doesn't need a partner (whether a woman needing a man or vice versa) to have a happy and fulfilling life. Emotionally...no. In my own experience, I've always been happier when I've been in love and had that love returned. That may not be true for everyone, and I won't say it's better to be in a bad relationship than alone (it's not), but from my point of view there is nothing better in the world than to have someone to share your life with in a loving, equal partnership.

That said, that is my perspective and experience. Some people are more happy when they are unattached. From what I know of you, I don't think you are one of those people. You can be happy on your own, yes, but I think you'll be happier still if you were in a loving relationship with a partner.

[sea_thoughts]

You don't need romance to have a happy, fulfilling life, but it helps. ;) On the other hand, there are so many things you can do and experience on your own. Being on your own can be a very powerful, inspiring experience. :)

[scionofgrace.livejournal.com]

Amen.

As for doing everything alone... I have a roommate! Seriously, does that not occur to people? We order pizza together, and go to movies together, and have gone on vacation together. There are ways to have a social circle without the whole "relationship" thing.

Lonely? Sometimes. So what? I'm only as lonely as I allow myself to be. As you said, I have everything that I need and quite a bit of what I want. There can be no better definition of happiness.

[sixth-light.livejournal.com]

It's all tied up with stupid sexist ideas about women needing a man to be complete and your wedding day being the happiest day of your life and crap like that. If women didn't believe this stuff, they might be happy, and then whole industries would collapse. It's about marketing, basically. And it's wrong.

(Re: the cat lady thing, though? I think my partner loves the cat more than me. I wouldn't be allowed to be a cat lady if we split, because he'd take her. Or try to. *g*)

[kennytrent.livejournal.com]

My wife and I met when she was 24...we got married when she was 32. You are still too young to already reserve yourself to Catlady status...you just need more patience. You have plenty of time to do something amazing before even thinking about "settling down". Never got that statement...my life got a lot more exciting after I got a significant other and has only recently started to settle down (we are 4 years apart,she's older btw).