A Spoonful of Sugar

[author_by_night]

I love when people with disabilities and disorders talk about their pet peeves. But inevitably, you will get these sorts of comments. 

"What do you WANT me to say/do, then?"

It goes without saying that society has a really  wonky way of looking at disabilities and disorders. There are people who are assholes and look down on others; there are people who think some disabilities are more legitimate than others; there are people who think herbal tea and dancing naked under the moonlight wearing a necklace made of cow manure is a better cure than modern medicine; there are people who don't think they've ever met a disabled person or someone with a disorder before, so don't know what to say (you have, trust me);  and there are Champions  - I think the label speaks for itself. Often  there's an overlap between those groups.

I want to address specifically the idea that  some are "hard to help."  Let's suppose a coworker comes into work late because their car has a flat tire. What do you do?

 

1. Tell them they don't look like someone with a flat tire.

2. Ask them if they know their cousin Dustin! His car ALSO has a flat tire.

3. Exclaim loudly that you didn't know they had a flat tire! Say you're going to pick them up and drive them to work right now. Never mind that they're obviously already there.

4. Ask if you can pet their Uber driver.

5. Pet their Uber driver without asking.

6. Stop looking at them the second they say "flat tire." Turn your head so fast it almost snaps off your head and walk away. This subtle gesture is necessary, lest they think you're staring.

7.  Start pulling them towards your car so you can give them a ride. When they insist they've got it covered, insist right back, because you're a good soul an. Force them into your car. Tell the police you were only trying to help!

8. Show up at their house at five AM offering a ride. Make sure you pull into their driveway while honking your horn obnoxiously. 

9. Tell them you'll pray for them. Then start praying for them in the middle of the office. 

10. When they tell you they prefer Uber over getting a rental, insist they get a rental.

11. Get misty eyed and tell them they're so brave.

12. When the repair shop calls, grab their phone from them and start answering all of the shop's questions.

13. "Have you tried Car Yoga?"

14.  If they mention having problems getting to work while their car is being repaired, tell them your neighborhood is close to theirs, and would be willing to carpool if they'd like. When they say "no, but thank you," say no problem, and proceed to treat them the way you did before you learned they got a flat tire. 

Answer #14 is the only good choice.

In case it needs explaining, #3 is in reference to people who are hard of hearing being screamed at upon mentioning they don't hear well. (This has happened to me several times. "OH CAN YOU HEAR ME?" I think the song is "Tommy, can you hear me?" Oh. You thought I couldn't hear you. Even though we were talking for half an hour.)

All of your friends, family, coworkers, close acquaintances have different needs, different strengths, and different weaknesses, which you work with. You hopefully do this in a way that's not overt or awkward. Apply that to everyone. Offer people help when you think they need it, but don't FORCE it. Try to gauge what works for specific individuals. Here you may mess up. That's okay. Yes, it sucks, but it sucks more if you take it personally.  

The bottom line is... sometimes, people have flat tires. It doesn't make them weird anomalies. It doesn't change everything else you know about them. And they sure as hell don't want you to force them into your car or pet their Uber drivers. If you didn't realize those things bothered a lot of flat tire victims before... well, now you're informed. Don't beat yourself up, nobody's perfect, but work to better yourself.

 

Comments

[rhoda_rants]

Ooh, I like this analogy! I talk to a lot of disabled people on Twitter, and they've ranted about pretty much all of these. And that's not even getting into people whose disabilities are invisible.

[author_by_night]

Thanks!

Well, some of these are meant to refer to invisible ones - realizing someone "has a flat tire" and suddenly talking to them differently (I've had people start shouting if I offhandedly mention being hard of hearing) or saying they don't "look" X. (Fortunately I've never gotten that, but other people I've spoken to have.)

[conuly]

I would love to link to this (if you unlock it, I mean), or quote it with your permission..

[author_by_night]

I've unlocked it! I would love for more people to understand this.

[monanotlisa]

Thanks for unlocking. This is great. YOU are for snarking about something so serious and aggravating and just ARGGHHHH.

[krait]

I cracked up laughing at "Have you tried Car Yoga?" :D

Very good.

[author_by_night]

XD

[lilysea]

I love this post so much! ^_^ <3

[author_by_night]

Thanks!

[cosmolinguist]

I started laughing at "Ask if you can pet their Uber driver." (I don't have a guide dog but I have friends who do and this was so immediately familiar to me.) Thanks for this.

[kengr]

Ah yes, #7.

I knew someone who was blind, and perfectly aware that there was a construction excavation running alongside the sidewalk he was on.

some "helpful" person tried (over his objections) to "help" him avoid it. with the result that he fell into it.

Not sure where to class the incident I saw of a blind friend walking up to a couple of sales clerks in a Sears and asking where the bathroom was.

They bothe pointed "Over there". She told them "I'm blind, I can't see where you are pointing. Please *tell* me how to get there"

They went thru this at least 4 times before one of the clerks clued in and gave her directions.

Oy.

[author_by_night]

Whoa. Both of those are moronic.

[kengr]

Yeah, but it's not the first time the blind guy has been injured by some idiot trying to "help" him.

We really need to find a way to drill into people (maybe starting in grade school) that you can *offer* help, but be prepared to take "no" as an answer.

It's like the old joke about the boy scout "helping" an old lady across a street she didn't want to cross in the first place.

As for the store clerks, I was hanging back (at my friend's request) and I really couldn't believe the stupidity.

But I think it was more not being able to break from the idea that you point to something to indicate where it is.

[monanotlisa]

THIS IS GREAT. I'll signal boost.

I think a lot about disability, though I've so far always, every time, gone through it as a temporary condition, and ended up in "impaired land," which is a different country altogether, if adjacent. Hereabouts, the trouble is mostly 1., 2., 11., and 13., and others; I recommend to:

14. Confidently suggest they buy Car Wrench X, because you have JUST read about Car Wrench X being GREAT to resolve issues with cars that are not flat tires.

15. "Tactfully" let them know to just ignore the flat tire, as everybody knows flat tires are not real; they're just in people's cars.

16. Simply forget about their flat tire. It is of no matter to you, so surely it is of no matter to them. Blame them for not actually attending Y/partaking in Z, because hey, why on earth would one not do so??

[author_by_night]

Thank you!

I've had both temporary issues and lifelong ones.

14. Confidently suggest they buy Car Wrench X, because you have JUST read about Car Wrench X being GREAT to resolve issues with cars that are not flat tires.

Yep.

15. "Tactfully" let them know to just ignore the flat tire, as everybody knows flat tires are not real; they're just in people's cars.


This one is so frustrating.

[greghousesgf]

I'm disabled but not in an obvious way so here's another one:

16. "there's no such thing as flat tires, you're just making that up in order to get a free ride."

[lusentoj]

Me too, I can add "because your tire is only 95% flat instead of 100% flat you're treated as if it isn't flat at all" (*shakes fist at international restrictions on how severe your disability has to be to count as disabled*)

[lilacsigil]

This is awesome! (here via monanotlisa)

Have you tried homeopathic fuel? Big Gasoline causes flat tires just so they can make money fixing them!

[rydra_wong]

Big Gasoline just wants you to think you need tires.

[lusentoj]

Hmm... Happily, I think this is really cultural-specific. When I lived in the USA, MOST of the reactions I got (to saying I'm almost blind) were disbelief and then instant forgetfulness. Teachers, my own parents, you name it, they generally acted as if either my disability didn't exist or that, despite my disability, I should be at exactly the same level as everyone else in everything I do (which, I only realized years later due to having been raised to think I wasn't disabled, was both cruel and impossible). I didn't really get any slack for if I couldn't see something, or couldn't find something as fast as other people, etc. Even simple stuff like, a friend's mom was saying that her kid HAD to get a driver's licence, you "couldn't live without one", but the kid didn't want to — so I said, I can't see well enough to drive, I'm going to have to live my whole life without a driver's licence, if I can do it she can do it. Completely ignored.

In Iceland and Sweden, people were "interested" in my disability but, unless they were a teacher, still generally acted as if I couldn't possibly need help (this is a cultural thing — they're really "independant" people in general). At the same time, unlike the Americans, they didn't act as if it was impossible for me to be disabled or anything.

In Japan, people are both curious about my disability and tripping all over themselves to help me, AND they remember really clearly that I have it. It could be a friend of a friend I barely know, but when they see me about to go down the stairs they stop and ask me if I'm okay going down them alone. Shopkeepers notice I see badly and go out of their way to ask if my eyes are okay, and follow me to make sure I can find the exit. Stuff like that. Part of it could be that disabled people (at least, blind ones) don't necessarily hide as much in Japan, so everyone's met them more often than people in America/Sweden... but I don't know.

[monanotlisa]

Oh, that is so lovely to hear about Japan. I am not surprised about the other nations' inhabitants' reactions, though...

[rydra_wong]

Also here via monanotlisa!

Personally, I most commonly get:

"But you have the kind of flat tire where it's only a little bit flat, right? Not like really flat." *segue into discussion of a documentary the person saw about someone whose tires were really flat and how hard it was for their family*

Or: "But in a way, everyone's tires are a bit flat, aren't they?"

[cesy]

*kudos*

[howsmyenglish]

This is a really good post. I'm saying this both as a parent of someone with a partially flat tire and a person who still has to learn to treat people with flat tires... well, not like a dumb-ass?