A Spoonful of Sugar

[author_by_night]

I love when people with disabilities and disorders talk about their pet peeves. But inevitably, you will get these sorts of comments. 

"What do you WANT me to say/do, then?"

It goes without saying that society has a really  wonky way of looking at disabilities and disorders. There are people who are assholes and look down on others; there are people who think some disabilities are more legitimate than others; there are people who think herbal tea and dancing naked under the moonlight wearing a necklace made of cow manure is a better cure than modern medicine; there are people who don't think they've ever met a disabled person or someone with a disorder before, so don't know what to say (you have, trust me);  and there are Champions  - I think the label speaks for itself. Often  there's an overlap between those groups.

I want to address specifically the idea that  some are "hard to help."  Let's suppose a coworker comes into work late because their car has a flat tire. What do you do?

 

1. Tell them they don't look like someone with a flat tire.

2. Ask them if they know their cousin Dustin! His car ALSO has a flat tire.

3. Exclaim loudly that you didn't know they had a flat tire! Say you're going to pick them up and drive them to work right now. Never mind that they're obviously already there.

4. Ask if you can pet their Uber driver.

5. Pet their Uber driver without asking.

6. Stop looking at them the second they say "flat tire." Turn your head so fast it almost snaps off your head and walk away. This subtle gesture is necessary, lest they think you're staring.

7.  Start pulling them towards your car so you can give them a ride. When they insist they've got it covered, insist right back, because you're a good soul an. Force them into your car. Tell the police you were only trying to help!

8. Show up at their house at five AM offering a ride. Make sure you pull into their driveway while honking your horn obnoxiously. 

9. Tell them you'll pray for them. Then start praying for them in the middle of the office. 

10. When they tell you they prefer Uber over getting a rental, insist they get a rental.

11. Get misty eyed and tell them they're so brave.

12. When the repair shop calls, grab their phone from them and start answering all of the shop's questions.

13. "Have you tried Car Yoga?"

14.  If they mention having problems getting to work while their car is being repaired, tell them your neighborhood is close to theirs, and would be willing to carpool if they'd like. When they say "no, but thank you," say no problem, and proceed to treat them the way you did before you learned they got a flat tire. 

Answer #14 is the only good choice.

In case it needs explaining, #3 is in reference to people who are hard of hearing being screamed at upon mentioning they don't hear well. (This has happened to me several times. "OH CAN YOU HEAR ME?" I think the song is "Tommy, can you hear me?" Oh. You thought I couldn't hear you. Even though we were talking for half an hour.)

All of your friends, family, coworkers, close acquaintances have different needs, different strengths, and different weaknesses, which you work with. You hopefully do this in a way that's not overt or awkward. Apply that to everyone. Offer people help when you think they need it, but don't FORCE it. Try to gauge what works for specific individuals. Here you may mess up. That's okay. Yes, it sucks, but it sucks more if you take it personally.  

The bottom line is... sometimes, people have flat tires. It doesn't make them weird anomalies. It doesn't change everything else you know about them. And they sure as hell don't want you to force them into your car or pet their Uber drivers. If you didn't realize those things bothered a lot of flat tire victims before... well, now you're informed. Don't beat yourself up, nobody's perfect, but work to better yourself.