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author_by_nightIn light of articles about unhelpful donations to horrible tragedies (to which people have commented: "if you're so ungrateful, I just won't donate, then!"), and some general observations, let's talk about ways to be helpful - whether you've come across the pinnacle of inspired tears someone who happens to have a disability, heard about a terrible tragedy, or found out a friend is going through some rough times.
I think the first thing people need to realize is that it's not anyone else's job to make you feel like a good person, and while I don't think too many people actively believes this to be the case, I think that's how people can feel subconsciously. It's not even that unreasonable; something makes you feel upset or confused, and you feel like you need to do something, because it makes you feel like you've found a way to deal with it. I don't think most people LIKE bad news.
The problem is that people aren't dolls. And people really do need help. So it's better to realize that sometimes, helping means putting yourself out. When you hear about a tragedy, sending a stuffed animals feels good because you know there are children, and children like stuffed animals. But relief teams need money, not stuffed animals. Survivors need survival kits. Find out what is needed and go from there. It may not be something you would have thought of, but that's the point - it isn't about you.
The same is true of individuals, and this one goes a lot of directions. If someone's going through a hard time, keep in mind that often it's the everyday things they need help with. Obviously hugs are great, prayers are appreciated and even requested by many people (but don't tell someone you're praying for them if you don't know their comfort level with that), but sometimes people's toilets clog at the same time a family member's in the hospital. They don't have time to fix it, so they just use the toilet downstairs for a month on top of everything else. Sometimes people don't have time to grocery shop. It's the day-to-day everyone needs. So when you say "can I do anything to help?", but really all you can do is listen on the phone... just offer to listen on the phone. The person knows you're not superman; you have your own abilities and limits, and are presumably doing what you can. No judgment. However, when they have to somehow attend a dance recital and talk to their father's doctor and talk to their father about what the doctor said and buy groceries and buy Christmas presents and stop at the pharmacy and do the dishes and call a plumber in a short span of time, "is there anything I can do?" falls a little flat. YOU feel better that you at least offered, but they don't, and they're who needs to feel better.
(What you can do? If possible, offer to do one of these things. If they mention the toilet being clogged, unclog it or call a plumber. Go to Madison's dance recital and take her for pizza afterwards. Buy groceries. Find something you really can do, and just do it.)
Then there's inspiration porn. Inspiration porn is basically "a video of a man with autism doing the dishes made me cry. We should all be autistic." The guy was doing the dishes. When you point out that inspiration porn is offensive, people get mad. I once saw people tell a woman with Asperger Syndrome to "shut the fuck up, this isn't about you" when she objected to a patronizing meme. Seriously. They went from "people with autism PRAISE THE LORD tears of joy" to cussing out one of the people they claimed to be crying tears of joy for. Why? Because they wanted to feel good. She told them there were other ways to feel good. They didn't want to hear it. They wanted self-validation.
In short, obviously doing good deeds is admirable, as is expressing that you care. But you need to understand what people actually needs. It's also important to remember, again, that you don't help people to make yourself feel like a good person; you help people because it's the right thing to do. And hopefully, that still makes you feel good.
I think the first thing people need to realize is that it's not anyone else's job to make you feel like a good person, and while I don't think too many people actively believes this to be the case, I think that's how people can feel subconsciously. It's not even that unreasonable; something makes you feel upset or confused, and you feel like you need to do something, because it makes you feel like you've found a way to deal with it. I don't think most people LIKE bad news.
The problem is that people aren't dolls. And people really do need help. So it's better to realize that sometimes, helping means putting yourself out. When you hear about a tragedy, sending a stuffed animals feels good because you know there are children, and children like stuffed animals. But relief teams need money, not stuffed animals. Survivors need survival kits. Find out what is needed and go from there. It may not be something you would have thought of, but that's the point - it isn't about you.
The same is true of individuals, and this one goes a lot of directions. If someone's going through a hard time, keep in mind that often it's the everyday things they need help with. Obviously hugs are great, prayers are appreciated and even requested by many people (but don't tell someone you're praying for them if you don't know their comfort level with that), but sometimes people's toilets clog at the same time a family member's in the hospital. They don't have time to fix it, so they just use the toilet downstairs for a month on top of everything else. Sometimes people don't have time to grocery shop. It's the day-to-day everyone needs. So when you say "can I do anything to help?", but really all you can do is listen on the phone... just offer to listen on the phone. The person knows you're not superman; you have your own abilities and limits, and are presumably doing what you can. No judgment. However, when they have to somehow attend a dance recital and talk to their father's doctor and talk to their father about what the doctor said and buy groceries and buy Christmas presents and stop at the pharmacy and do the dishes and call a plumber in a short span of time, "is there anything I can do?" falls a little flat. YOU feel better that you at least offered, but they don't, and they're who needs to feel better.
(What you can do? If possible, offer to do one of these things. If they mention the toilet being clogged, unclog it or call a plumber. Go to Madison's dance recital and take her for pizza afterwards. Buy groceries. Find something you really can do, and just do it.)
Then there's inspiration porn. Inspiration porn is basically "a video of a man with autism doing the dishes made me cry. We should all be autistic." The guy was doing the dishes. When you point out that inspiration porn is offensive, people get mad. I once saw people tell a woman with Asperger Syndrome to "shut the fuck up, this isn't about you" when she objected to a patronizing meme. Seriously. They went from "people with autism PRAISE THE LORD tears of joy" to cussing out one of the people they claimed to be crying tears of joy for. Why? Because they wanted to feel good. She told them there were other ways to feel good. They didn't want to hear it. They wanted self-validation.
In short, obviously doing good deeds is admirable, as is expressing that you care. But you need to understand what people actually needs. It's also important to remember, again, that you don't help people to make yourself feel like a good person; you help people because it's the right thing to do. And hopefully, that still makes you feel good.
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Date: 2017-09-05 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-09-10 02:57 pm (UTC)