Writer's Block: Can't we all just get along?

[author_by_night]

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I think we adults need to be less naive and more understanding. I believe in group work, but for the love of God, if in one class you're always having to find a group for Mary Sue, it's time to take a stand and choose the group for your students. I remember even SAYING this to a teacher, but because the worst offenders were her soccer players, she was all "oh. That sucks."

And I think that advice needs to be given a bit... better? Even my guidance counselors tended to feed me "tell them how you feel" advice. Except the snotty girl is glad when you tell her "I feel bad when you..." Awesome - mission, like, so accomplished.

Mostly, however, it lays on two groups - parents and kids. Parents can't always help what their kids are influenced to do by hormones, friends, friends of the opposite gender, or if their kids are just mean. (And it's also true that some parents are former bullies themselves and don't have a problem with how their kids treat others, because they do the adult version of bullying to the adult version of the kids their children make miserable.) But I think a lot of parents allow bad behavior because they want to be their children's friends, and you know what? That's great if you can be, but then raise a child who you'd want to be friends with. I see so many parents let their kids be so rude and obnoxious and they just stare or smile nervously, like they know they should do something to curb it but have no idea what. Here's what you do - grab your child when he knocks the old man's cane over and make him pick the cane up for the man and apologize. Is he too young to know better? Good, that's when you start teaching him.

But there's a point where your kid knows better. It doesn't mean he or she won't necessarily make a mistake and allow their friends to do something wrong or do something wrong themselves. I let a friend do two things that were very nasty and I still have huge regrets, to the point where I question whether or not I was a good person like people thought. (I know it sounds silly. I just had no other friends and was willing to do anything to keep them, which resulted in lack of judgments. But... still.) But there's mistakes and there's being a jerk every day of someone else's life, and at some point kids are old enough to realize they're probably making that kid miserable, and mean enough to do it anyway because it makes them feel better. No, stupid anti-bullying assemblies (LOL LOL LOL LOL oh god, just, LOL) and bad parenting doesn't help, but at some point, kids just have to take responsibility for their own actions.

Comments

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

All I have to say is YES, THIS, ALL OF THIS. The 'ignore them and they'll go away' idea, too, is COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE, based on my experience--ignore them, and they'll keep going forever, because the show is their power, not your submission. Ignoring them doesn't take away their performative power, any more than taking away the other actors makes Laurence Olivier any less a Hamlet.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

The only times I think ignoring them works is when the bullying is based around reaction. If I'd make juvenile arguments in my defense or whatnot, yeah, the bullying would continue because the joke was that I sucked at defending myself in a calm, mature manner. But when I just ignored one group of bullies, they took advantage of that because the joke was that they'd bullied me into silence.

The one time it did work was when I used a very Disney-esque argument of defense, which is why it surprises me that it worked. Basically two girls "befriended" me as a joke (stay classy!), and eventually I caught on and said "you know what? You guys are the dorks." Even though you'd think that would make it worse, they actually left me alone after that. But in that case I think they were really just trying to feel cool, so being told "yeah, you're not cool" (even by me) was more of a sucker punch than to someone who may have still been insecure but was at least confident that they had a place on the social ladder.

I think the best thing to tell kids is that you have to go by what might work best, just like in adulthood. There's adult equivalents of bullies and snobs, some a bit more blunt than others, and you have to find a way to deal with them too. There IS no generic advice, and sometimes generic advice is actually the worst possible kind.

[vytresna.livejournal.com]

God, the "I Statements". Honestly, and I say this as a singularly puny individual, punching them in the face would be way more effective.

Me, I thought no potential argument against the top-dog clique was a battle I could forgo. It made for a miserable year, but it also turned out to earn me a lot of underground respect, especially from the wannabes going through a permanent hazing ritual.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

I think "I Statements" work only in cases where there's a mediator, to be perfectly honest. Because then you have someone sitting in to move the conversation forward. Otherwise, there's really no point - the subject of the "I" statements will either talk/bully right over the speaker or will be insulted (specially if it's a friend, that's what happened to me), making a bad situation even worse. And even if there is a mediator, who's to say the bully won't just pretend to have accepted the session and go back to their ways as soon as it's all over?

Stuff like this makes me want to go into teaching just so I can be the cool teacher who actually knows how to give advice. But I'm otherwise not that interested.