PG? Check. Realistic? No check.

[author_by_night]

So I've become a bit of a snarker, between modding bsc_snark, watching 1bruce1 (okay, so the later Sweet Valley books - Sweet Valley High and Sweet Valley University - were definitely NOT family friendly)and recently watching an online video snark of the show Full House. (A show I used to watch), I've become fascinated with Family Friendly Reality.

In Family Friendly Reality (FFR), the world is very simple. Fights are resolved with hugs. Sometimes people die, but rarely anybody the audience has known for more than half a book/episode. New Yorkers are sophisticated, Californians are tofu-eating hippies (but don't do drugs). There is nothing disturbing about a 40 year old man carrying around a stuffed woodchuck. The meanest thing girls do is run around calling themselves unicorns and wearing lots of purple. And finally, don't worry about ever having menopause - aging is mandatory!

In such realities, we see scenarios carried out that would happen in the real world (TRW), but differently.

Scenarios:

Scenario #1: Aunt Roxie gets two tickets to see The Really Stupid Band Name Boys LIVE! OMG! But she only has two - there's three sisters. Luckily Youngest Child is more interested in playing with her dolls, but Middle Child and Oldest Child both want to go. 

Resolution in FFR: Dad of the Year gives the sisters two straws. Oldest Child draws the longest one, and is all happy until she realizes Middle Child has locked herself in the bathroom. Instead of telling Middle Child about all the reasons stupid stuff like this suddenly seems like a big deal  at her age, she goes noble and gives her the ticket. Middle Child suddenly has an epiphany - neither one of them should have the ticket! Instead, they give the ticket to Aunt Roxie's ex boyfriend, because that won't be awkward at all. And the hills are alive with the sound of cheesy music.

Resolution in TRW: The two sisters start calling themselves nasty names and are grounded for life. Meanwhile, Dad of the Year asks Aunt Roxie why she didn't just give both girls the tickets and drive them there.

Scenario #2: Four preteen girls - Artist, Fashionista, Bossy and Sensitive - are broke and in desperate need of money. They decide to start a club dedicated to babysitting.

Resolution in FFR: 'nuff said - everything works out perfectly!  Sure, most of the members of this club have traumatic pasts, daddy issues and the inability to shut up/spill milk without crying/eat candy/age, but life is good because in the end, it's all about the kids. And, of course, their love for one another! 

Resolution in TRW: Most parents are reluctant to leave their kids with a bunch of middle schoolers, and a week later, the girls get bored and decide to start selling hand-made butterfly clips instead. The week after that, it's cookies.

Scenario #3: Kids find a lost and homeless puppy.

Resolution in FFR: The kids manage to hide the lost and homeless puppy for a month, until it's too big to hide anymore.

Resolution in TRW: The kids manage to hide the lost and homeless puppy for eight seconds.

Scenario #4: Uncle Coolio, who used to live in the family's basement, has finally gotten hitched! His nieces and nephews don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to live in the basement, and get very sad and upset over it.

Resolution in FFR:  The nieces convince them that there's no place like a crowded, child-filled home for newlyweds! They don't move back into the basement, however - they move into the attic. The fact that Uncle Coolio's a starving artist and New Aunt is pregnant has nothing to do with this decision.

Resolution in TRW: The kids realize that the basement is a great place for sleepovers and birthday parties.

Scenario #5: Annoying kid next door randomly walks into the house every day and asks, "did I do that?" He also makes people smell the socks he never seems to wash. 

Resolution in FFR: Despite a lot of eye rolling and bemoaning, nobody ever does anything about this fact. Assorted characters may even be/become best friends with or marry Annoying Kid.

Resolution in TRW: Annoying Kid finally gets the message and goes away. Or the one person Annoying Kid actually is friends with hangs out with Annoying Kid elsewhere.

Scenario #6: There are two sisters who are IDENTICAL TWINS. Because they are IDENTICAL TWINS, they look EXACTLY ALIKE. Except...

Resolution in FFR: They're polar opposites.

Resolution in TRW: They're like normal siblings - alike in some ways, not alike in others. Anyone who uses the term "night and day" around them gets stabbed with a pencil.

More to come later! Maybe.

I need to see if Full House is on Hulu... I'd love to snark that.




 

Comments

[edgiko.livejournal.com]

I had to look up Family Matters because I know scenario 5 and I was actually wondering if he did get married to one of them.

[secondmezzanine.livejournal.com]

Totally hilarious! I read and watched all the books and series you referenced here, and loved/hated them all.

All extremely funny, but this is what made me spew Diet Coke out my nose:

Resolution in FFR: The kids manage to hide the lost and homeless puppy for a month, until it's too big to hide anymore.

Resolution in TRW: The kids manage to hide the lost and homeless puppy for eight seconds.

[talimeeka.livejournal.com]

This is SO GREAT. I especially love the BSC one.