author_by_night | The One Where the Cliffhangers are Pointless

It's the season finale, everyone! And ratings have been hit or miss. No worries, we know how to make sure you'll keep watching next year.

Let's roll it out!

Big Damn Cliffhanger

Serious music plays.

Mary: We're walking down the street, seemingly innocuously and relieved that the Big Damn Hurdle went bye bye.

Kyle: I say something. I laugh.

Mary: I also laugh!

Kyle: I start to say something. Then I stop.

Mary: I stop and look. I think I know what he is going to say.

Kyle: Mary?

Mary: Yeah?

Kyle: I -

Mary: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!

Villain behind the Big Damn Hurdle is running towards them.

Villain: I do something that should be fatal!

Kyle: Reacting... with great... fatality....

Mary: NOOOO!

We'll say "To Be Continued", which means Kyle be continued, because otherwise there wouldn't be a show.

Quitting

Randi: I AM FED UP!

Bossperson: Randi -

Randi: No. How many Broken Aesops am I going to have to deal with from you?

Bossperson: What Broken Aesop?

Randi: PLURAL!

Bossperson: Now you're bringing my plural relationship into this?

Randi: It's called philandering, dingbat, and no! Have I not always faithfully covered your ass, so much show shippers are going crazy and there's an obscene amount of fanfiction about us?

Bossperson: ...

Randi: I quit.

Bossperson: See you by the third episode of next season!

The Bombshell That Won't Come Up Again

Friends laughing in the background. Knock at the door.

Derek: Opens. Pam? The girl I dated for two and a half episodes at the beginning of the season?

Pam: I'm pregnant.

Derek: ... longest first trimester ever?

Pam: And it's obvious what I'm going to say next.

By episode two of next season, we learn Pam just made it up ~~for ratings~~ Derek's money.