This is a very special LJ Post...

[author_by_night]

There's a new anti-bully movie... that's R-rated.

You know, I'm actually not surprised. Because of work, and for various other reasons, I've looked up information on various problems kids have - learning disabilities, mood disorders, skinned knees, the works. Half of those things are all "Don't understand your kid? Here, take a tissue. Here, have some wine. Okay, the reason you don't understand your kid is because there's a new phenomenon called Kids Today Are Not Perfect... shh, it's okay, it's okay. We can help."

I'm sure the anti-bullying movie isn't exactly like that, but it's the same idea. It's not about the kids who suffer, it's about the Moms and Dads who have to try and imagine what it must feel like.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying parents don't struggle too, because of course they do. Yes, it's patronizing when kids with disabilities are portrayed as being mutant freaks or an inconvenience or some horrible tragedy, but there are kids who are mentally retarded to the point at which they can't even feed themselves. They're not going to understand information on a website. And it must be heartbreaking for parents whose kids are in serious emotional trouble because of all the bullying they've endured. But at some point, it's not just about the parents. There needs to be something for kids, something that reaches out to them. Because they're the ones who go out into a world every day that for whatever reason Does Not Accept Them. Maybe it's because they're in ninth grade and still reading on a second grade level because of a learning disability. Maybe it's because they're in gay. Maybe it's because just having a simple conversation is hard for them. Maybe it's because they're ginger. Maybe it's because Tiffany thinks they stole her boyfriend. Maybe it's because of a Facebook joke that went too far. Whatever the reason, they're the ones who have to go out there, and they also need support.

Comments

[bemkah.livejournal.com]

I definitely hear you.

What I don't get as well is how parents can't remember how it felt to be bullied as a child. I mean, everyone gets picked on for something, no matter who they are. I don't understand how someone could FORGET how it felt to be a child. I'm 27 and I haven't forgotten. I remember what it felt like to be teased because I was skinny and how it felt when I was called 'the anorexic kid'. And I definitely remember how it felt to be bullied by my own cousin in school - every single day of year 8, I would dread lunch time, because it always ended in him filling up his lunch box full of water and chucking it at me, and me having to go to class drenched. Even in winter. I'd receive such scathing looks from my teachers for coming to class dripping wet.

I also remember being on the receiving end of cold shoulders from idiot girls who decided that today was the day I wasn't going to be their friend. Or that the whole group of them had decided they didn't really like me. Or when one of them made up how I'd called my best friend, who had birth marks she was very self-conscious of, a 'leopard skinned slut', even though I would have never said anything like that.

Those parents and teachers who don't remember how it felt to be kids and don't remember how it felt to be bullied are obviously repressing a whole host of shit. I think learning from your own experience as a child has to be something you bring with you into parenthood, because if you can't relate to your child, how can you be a good parent?

I definitely agree with you on there being more stuff out there kids can relate to about being bullied. I think it needs to be honest but sensitive, and I think it needs to be something from the heart. It can't be a bunch of adult bullshit. It has to be something kids can relate to, and it has to be something that isn't taking the mickey and won't make kids cringe or roll their eyes. Perhaps with focus groups, but also perhaps if it were made by people in their 20s, who have recently been kids, and who can vividly remember their own experiences.

[kakeochi-umai.livejournal.com]

What I don't get as well is how parents can't remember how it felt to be bullied as a child.

Yeah, my parents actually said "Well, I got picked on for X" in a way that implied that I shouldn't be letting it get to me so much because other people handle it fine. (ETA: Actually, no, there was no "imply" about it. They told me on multiple occasions that I needed to stop letting it get to me so much. Would've been nice if somebody had told me how.) And I think that stayed with me, because when I recently signed up for therapy I felt stupid for being so affected by something so "minor". It was only after my first session that I felt that my feelings about it were valid.

Also, ITA about everything in that last paragraph.

[quinns-crossing.livejournal.com]

What frustrated me the most is that my family kept telling me that I had to stick up for myself. But nobody would ever show me HOW to stand up to the bullying. That's probably because they didn't know how to show me how, but it didn't make it any easier for me as a kid.

Finally, when I was a junior in high school, my mom signed us up for a mother-daughter self-defense class at the Y. That helped.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

I don't understand it either.

I think some people really do forget, or they just don't know what to say. As far as educators are concerned, I think a lot of them just become wrapped up in the process and forget the kids. I think the reason I liked the strict teachers the best was because their strictness came from knowing we were human beings, damn it. I don't mean the difficult ones who were impossible to please - I mean the ones who expected more than minimal effort.

Would've been nice if somebody had told me how

And a real way, not the "tell them how you feel" stuff, which has its place but should be used with a lot of caution. I mean, I had situations where my friends didn't tell me how they felt and it would've been helpful if they'd just said "Amy, I felt like you ditched me" instead of leaving me hanging for two weeks, but that's a situation where two mature teenagers talk about real stuff. You can't tell someone "I feel bad when you call me ugly" because the whole point of telling someone they're ugly is to make them feel bad about themselves.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

I also remember being on the receiving end of cold shoulders from idiot girls who decided that today was the day I wasn't going to be their friend. Or that the whole group of them had decided they didn't really like me.

I hated that so much.

Perhaps with focus groups, but also perhaps if it were made by people in their 20s, who have recently been kids, and who can vividly remember their own experiences.

Yeah, we had a group in middle school that was supposed to be like that, but it was a woman in her fifties or sixties who was actually really nice - I truly think she wanted to reach us and help. The problem was, she couldn't. I forget why exactly the group disbanded, but I'm pretty sure that didn't help.

I think one way is for people to just listen. One time I had a meltdown at the end of a class, and my teacher just let me, well, melt down. No corny advice, just "I've been there." I was probably the worst student in her class, she probably had far better things to do than listen to the woes of a fourteen year old, but she still listened. Why couldn't more teachers be like that?