Harry Potter in Two Minutes

[author_by_night]

Philosopher's Stone

Hagrid: Harry, you're a wizard.

Dumbledore: And I'm setting you up so you have to face your evil Potions Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor.

Hermione and Ron: We will bicker as we support you.

Harry: O_o

Chamber of Secrets

Ginny: Hey look, a diary that talks! Totally awesome and not at all creepy!

A bunch of kids, a cat and a ghost: *Are petrified*

Ron and Hermione: We'll still bicker as we support you. Until one of us is petrified.

Harry: ... why me?

Prisoner of Azkaban

Ron: Hermione and I are still bickering because in the movie version of this, she steals my noble moment.

Sirius: Harry, I am your Godfather.

Harry: NOOOO!

Sirius: But that's okay, unlike in Star Wars, I'm also the good guy.

Remus: See, we had a friend named Peter who was a bit of an emo.

Harry: ... WTF?

Goblet of Fire

Krum: *Crumbles hearts*

Fleur: *Flounces*

Hermione: *Is a last resort*

Ron: *Doesn't get it*

Cedric: *Drops dead*

The Wizarding World: *Is screwed*


Order of the Phoenix

Sirius: I'm mopey.

Umbridge: I'm happy.

Ginny: I've moved on. Sort of.

Ron and Hermione: We're still bickering. But also still support you.

Sirius: Hey Bellatrix, since you're a Death Eater, why don't you prove yourself?

Bella: Sure!

Sirius: No, what I meant was - oh crap.

Fandom: *Loses its shit*

Half-Blood Prince

Draco: I'm supposed to kill Dumbledore but I DON'T WANT TO!

Snape: I'm still morally ambiguous. Even as I kill Dumbledore.

Hagrid: I'm pretty much absent from this book.

Harry and Ginny: We've found one another at last! ... Kinda.

Ron and Hermione: We're still bickering. And making one another jealous. And still supporting you.

Remus and Tonks: We're canon!

Half of fandom: W00T!

Other half: ... DO NOT WANT.

The Deathly Hallows

JK Rowling: *Cackles evily*

Fandom: OMG SHE SAID BLOOD BATH!

Blood bath: *It is*

Ron and Hermione: The bickering is mostly one sided now. And still supporting you. Even if we do make out during the final battle.

Molly: BITCH!

Younger Reader: Mummy, what's a bitch?

Harry: ... can I have a normal life now?