The Undeath
Jun. 24th, 2006 01:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
author_by_nightTitle: The Undeath
Characters: Remus, Tonks, Hermione, Ginny, Harry, Ron, Fred, George
Author: Author By Night
Genre: Dark parody
Rating: PG-13 for dark humor
Summary: Remus’s soul is being tragically ripped from his innocent skeleton. To make matters worse, Tonks is pregnant. Oh noes!!!!!
Notes: A parody of (bad) Remus angstfic. However, it's also dedicated to my friends who know perfectly well how to write a good
darkfic.
Tonks hurried down the stairs as fast as she could, holding her pregnant belly that was hidden behind her black dress. She felt a puddle fall from her dark brown holes onto the raw space between her nose and her mouth, and lifted her black, lacey veil to wipe the water away.
“Remus, my love, my heart, my soul, my teddy bear, DON’T LEAVE ME!” She wailed as she opened the door to the Chamber.
It was a dark Chamber, lit only by candle and blazing torches.
Fred and George were just behind the door, playing a Latin funeral tune. Next to a bed where Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Harry and Dobby, singing some song.
“Quandooo Corpuuuus…”
Tonks sat on the other side of her Love. Her Love was on a red-and-black bed, staring at his hands mournfully.
“Remus, my dear, why?!” Tonks sobbed. “Why are you dying?”
“Fac ut animae…”
“My soul is a goner,” Remus whispered. “I can’t live with it anymore. The guilt that consumes me… the pain… like a bee buzzing over my head…”
Tonks patted his hand. “Remy, My Love… what makes you so sad that you must leave me and the baby?”
“The guilt,” Remus said, his voice breaking. “The horrible guilt that twists my insides like a…”
Remus closed his eyes, clearly unable to continue.
“What was it?” Tonks persisted. “Honey, if you would just tell me what it is…”
“It’s terrible,” Remus said with a shudder. “I will never forgive myself.”
“My dear Teddy Bear, I forgive you!” Tonks cried, the red sea emerging from the depths of her soul.
Remus took a deep breath. “I didn’t eat my green vegetables.”
Tonks gasped. “You didn’t!”
“No,” Remus said sadly. “I can’t live with myself… besides… I can’t live without Sirius… or James… or Lily… or Dumbledore… or my pet Guinea Pig… my GUINEA PIG!”
Remus burst into tears, and Tonks swallowed. The Guinea Pig had been turned into a wooden boat that said “may Wolfstar never sink like O M GEE!” It had been a very tragic day indeed.
“Guinea would’ve wanted you to have lived,” Tonks told him.
“My soul’s abandoning me,” Remus said.
Hermione stopped singing long enough to say, “but Hogwarts A History says you can live without your soul.”
“Well, nothing really works right with me,” Remus said resentfully. “Even in death.”
Hermione kept singing, and Tonks squeezed her pookie’s hand.
Suddenly, a stork flew into the dungeon. With a basket.
“Bloody hell,” Ron remarked. His Chorus members all glared at him, and he continued to sing.
Remus screamed.
Tonks turned back to him quickly. “It’s okay, it’s just a stork-”
Remus was shaking his head. “My soul is starting to depart! At last, my anguish will be gone!”
“No!” Tonks gasped. “My honeybear!”
Then she heard a… bark.
A bark?!
The stork lowered the basket so both Tonks and Remus could see.
It was a pink-blue-brown pup!
“Oh!” Tonks said.
Remus suddenly let out a loud noise.
“Honey, our baby’s just been born,” Tonks said.
But the torches had gone out, and suddenly, the chamber was filled with sunshine and daisies and yellow rats dancing.
Remus grinned. “My soul! The birth of our son brought it back!”
“It’s a beautiful baby male Pup!” The Stork said happily.
Tonks and Remus hugged one another, then pet the Pup.
“Let’s call him Tedormuslup,” Tonks said, “for “Tonks-Dora-Remus-Lupin. Get it?”
“Great idea!” Remus exclaimed, giving Tonks a high five.
“Woof!” Tedormuslup agreed.
Suddenly, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Harry and Dobby turned their dark clothing into angel outfits, and started singing:
“Hallarroooa, Hallaroooa, Hallaroooa, Hallaroooa, Halllaaarooooaaaa…”
And everyone lived happily ever after.
