More on Facebook

[author_by_night]

So today I was on a messageboard, and someone mentioned how she doesn't have as many friends on it as her other friends. This is not the first time I've seen that complaint - and in two cases, the people who said this were adults in their twenties.

I myself posted an entry a few days ago - not about having too few friends there, but about how many don't want to go beyond pokes. Again, I've heard it said by other people as well.

I did some thinking just now.




Most of the time, this is what happens:

Mary Sue: Oh look, I knew Gary Stu in elementary school! We were both in the sticker club. Let me add him!

Gary Stu: Oh neat, Mary Sue! I always wondered what happened to her.

PMs fly, they read one another's profiles, maybe even add a few mutuals. They're so happy to have gotten back in touch!

After 48 hours, they never talk to one another again, beyond the occasional poke and wall post.

Let's suppose Mary Sue also sees someone she goes to college with, Susie Marie. She adds Susie Marie, and they talk about how they should OMG GET TOGETHER one night after the class they both have.

Susie Marie drops said class, and they never talk beyond pokes and wall posts, even though they both have dorms in the same building. Maybe it's because they're busy. Maybe it's because they just don't have much in common. Maybe Mary Sue's just more of an internet socializer than a real-world socializer. (Hey, it happens.) The same is true for Gary Stu.

Does this always happen? No. And when it does happen, it doesn't make the people bad people.

But Facebook is not any indication as to how many friends you do or don't have. And not everyone there is going to want to talk to you much outside of it.

Here's the thing: Facebook's basically like a pub or some other social gathering. You have a bunch of people in little crowds, and it's very busy in many ways. You always see the same group of people, and you tend to drink together and check out the guys/ladies together... etc.

This does not mean they are your blood brothers and blood sisters. It just means that you're fun to talk to, possibly even more so when you're drunk (or on caffeine, if we're going for a more innocent approach).

Maybe you make friends, friends who actually want to live beyond that place. Maybe you even meet someone special. But just because you talk to a lot of people when you're there doesn't mean that's the case; in reverse, just because you might often only know one or two people doesn't mean you don't have a larger network.

Finally... if you want proof of a sincere friendship, if you want a real friendship or romantic relationship, don't look for it in people who only want to talk to you at the bar or Facebook. Look to people who know how to broaden their horizons. Because if they only want to be in a bar or on Facebook, well, that says a lot more about the friendship or relationship you're trying to build than it does about you.

Comments

[niphredil-04.livejournal.com]

I agree with you; it's one of the reasons I don't like Facebook very much. How can anyone really know a couple hundred people really really well? It doesn't make sense becauase you can't. It's busy work and boring... at least, on lj people are constantly posting new and interesting things to read...not their latest drunken photos.

I view Facebook as a wonderful tool for keeping track of people that you've known for a long time, but aren't really friends with. (It's extremely helpful in sending birthday messages, especially when said 'friends' keep changing their email addresses!) Or to keep in touch if they're living in an area without phone service.

Still, the best indicators for friendship is how much you're willing to invest in it, as in actually go hang out somewhere in person or to pick up the phone to chat. That's not to say that people can't become friends online, but it's much harder and requires steady contact over a long long period of time. That's not easy to do, especially on the world wide web.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, LJ comments didn't show you'd replied! Grr!

How can anyone really know a couple hundred people really really well?

That's what I don't get. I have about 83 friends, but a number of them... I don't really know at all. I added them naively thinking I'd get to know them and make new friends/rekindle old friendships. *Sigh*

Still, the best indicators for friendship is how much you're willing to invest in it, as in actually go hang out somewhere in person or to pick up the phone to chat. That's not to say that people can't become friends online, but it's much harder and requires steady contact over a long long period of time.

Exactly. And of course, online friendships are real - I mean, I think fandom is living proof of that. But you're right, you have to do something with it.

[vegablack62.livejournal.com]

very true.

[miss-sophia.livejournal.com]

I think this also applies to LJ, too, although perhaps the difference is that LJ's structure doesn't foster the "I CAN HAS SO MANY FRIENDS NAO" mentality in quite the same way. In LJ, the label "Friends" (rather than, say, "Subscriptions") does create its own set of issues, such as defriending drama on the bad side of the spectrum and the consideration of flisters as personally close rather than just interesting blog writers on the good side (although I imagine there's a negative interpretation that could be drawn here as well). But I don't think it tends to inspire the race for popularity in most people in the way that Facebook does, and I expect that's also in part because LJ interactions often focus around fandoms and common interests rather than interpersonal connections and because Facebook friends tend to be people we've become acquainted with in RL, which isn't so much the case with LJ.

But I do think that the bar analogy works well for LJ and many of the things you said apply there as well:

Facebook's LJ's basically like a pub or some other social gathering. You have a bunch of people in little crowds, and it's very busy in many ways. You always see the same group of people, and you tend to drink together and check out the guys/ladies together... etc.

This makes me think of the communities and the fannish squeeing. We tend to gather in certain cliques, often associated around fandom.

This does not mean they are your blood brothers and blood sisters. It just means that you're fun to talk to, possibly even more so when you're drunk (or on caffeine, if we're going for a more innocent approach).

And people who freak out the most about defriending and non-mutual friending tend to take the friend concept as seriously as brothers and sisters.

Finally... if you want proof of a sincere friendship, if you want a real friendship or romantic relationship, don't look for it in people who only want to talk to you at the bar or Facebook. Look to people who know how to broaden their horizons. Because if they only want to be in a bar or on Facebook, well, that says a lot more about the friendship or relationship you're trying to build than it does about you.

And this makes me think a lot about that question you asked several weeks ago -- the one about meeting online friends in RL. Some of the friendships I've made online have blossomed into what I consider true RL friendships. One example would be my husband, whom I met on Match.com 11 years ago, although I suppose that doesn't count in the same way, because we never really went through the friendship stage, but rather were engaged two weeks after meeting online. :) But I also think about my friend Heather, whom I met through my LJ RPG. I think I had mentioned her in my response to your query. Anyway, she and I met on the RPG, but we've met in RL quite a number of times since then despite the fact that she lives in New York and I live in the DC area. Fannish activities have catalyzed our in-person meetings (i.e., BPAL gatherings, the opening of the OotP movie, and the upcoming opening of the Twilight movie -- we're going for the lulz, of course), but I'd say overall we've bonded over much more than fandoms, and we've shown non-fannish aspects of each other's RLs great interest and concern. So I feel that the horizon of our interactions were broadened, if that makes any sense. We don't just meet at the "LJ bar." And on the other side of things is the bad experience I had, with the girl who was obsessed with Heroes and got offended when I nicely asked if she could squee about Heroes in another channel. I considered our friendship to have been quite expanded beyond LJ, but when my fannish interests apparently went against hers, or failed to intersect them at the very least, she abandoned the friendship, which shows that it never was true after all.

Anyway, some musings for you. :) I think the topic of online socialization is extremely interesting; in fact, it's partly the subject of my (currently stalled due to baby and other things) master's thesis. Have you ever read theories about how virtual communities are undermining the concept of friendship as based on proximity?

[frankieb-sq87.livejournal.com]

Very, very true and very well said. :-)