author_by_night (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
author_by_night) wrote2018-12-17 11:51 am
author_by_night) wrote2018-12-17 11:51 am
Entry tags:
A Very Potter Christmas Anthology: The Other Remus Lupin
Author/Artist: [personal profile] author_by_night
Fandom: Harry Potter
Ships/Characters: Remus/Tonks; the Marauders, Lyall Lupin, Nearly-Headless Nick, Harry
Title:Rating & Warnings: PG-13
Word Count/Art Medium: 6,780 (One-Short/Short Story)
Summary: Remus has many regrets. He feels that he has lived life being a burden to others, and having caused many a problem. But would the omission of one fateful Full Moon really have changed everything?
This story is written in the spirit of It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol.
Notes:
- Trigger warning for allusions to a panic attack and depressed thoughts.
- This fanfic was written before the second Fantastic Beasts film (last year), so there may be a contradiction.
- The fanfic also has an alternative ending for the direction the books take Remus's character.
Remus and Tonks had slipped away again. They took off after visiting Arthur in the hospital, Apparating to a Muggle London suburb where they were unlikely to be recognized.
Molly understood; she, Arthur, Sirius, and a few other Order members knew about them. But most did not. Part of it was that the Ministry couldn't know; not right now. And even people outside of the Ministry wouldn't be understanding. For all Remus knew, people in the Order - besides those who knew - wouldn't understand. True, they tolerated him, and didn't seem overly stymied to be working with a werewolf; but Remus had seen enough in his lifetime to know that many people were only tolerant to a point.
"Remus?" Tonks was looking at him. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Remus lied.
"Arthur's going to be okay."
"It's not that."
"Well, then, what?"
Remus knew then what he had to do. "How long can we keep this up for?"
"Keep what up for?"
"Hiding our relationship."
"When we're ready, we'll tell people. That's what we agreed on."
"People will talk."
Tonks shrugged. "So let them. Dating a werewolf's not illegal. Nor is marrying one, for that matter."
Remus laughed bitterly. "You'd never get promoted at work if you stayed with me. You might lose your friends."
"My friends wouldn't care! Bill's your friend too, you've met Charlie, and Deirdre's a Healer, she's had patients who were werewolves."
"What about Adam Gudgeon? Felicia Trixam? Your friends in the Auror Department?"
Tonks hesitated. "They'd come around to the idea. And if they don't, more the worse for them. I don't want friends like that."
"Dora, you love harder than anyone I know. Could you really part with them?"
"I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard. You want honesty? It would be heartbreaking. But it would be twice as hard to part ways with you."
Remus realized then how much she loved him. And how much, how deeply, he loved her. It scared him, and he knew what he had to do. But he couldn't do it now. He slipped his hands away from Tonks.
"I'd better get going," he told her.
"You'd better not get going."
"It's getting late."
"We're still going to your dad's Christmas Eve, aren't we?" Tonks asked. Her voice was hopeful, but her expression was not.
"Maybe that's not such a good idea," Remus said. "For either of us."
Tonks folded her arms. "Don't tell me you're not going to see your Dad."
Remus didn't say anything.
"Remus!" Tonks exclaimed. "You can't do that to him!"
"He's used to it," Remus said airily.
"That doesn't make it okay. What's with you?"
"It's been a long week," Remus said. "I'm sorry, I can't stay. I'll see you tomorrow."
And he left her there. The woman he'd loved like no other.
It wasn't until Remus felt sweat on his palms that he realized he'd been pacing Hogsmeade for an hour.
How had he even got here from London? He couldn't remember. All he knew was that his mind was racing. He couldn't keep his thoughts straight.
He loved Tonks, but he couldn't have her. He couldn't go home, because his father's small house and few personal effects made him think of how much money had been spent on cures that never panned out. The strain between a father and son who didn't know one another well.
And Sirius. This was his fault too. Remus knew it; if he hadn't transformed that night, if he'd remembered to take his Wolfsbane, Sirius would likely be a free man living in a real home. Perhaps he'd love someone, too.
Peter would never have gotten away...
Think something happy. Think something happy. Meeting James, Sirius and Peter. James is dead. James is dead because they didn't trust you, because you distanced yourself. Sirius could've been proven innocent, could've been freed, but wasn't because you transformed that night. Your father's poor because he and your Mum spent all their money on you. To your friends, you're a pity, a personal sacrifice. To strangers? An abomination. Think something happy... people like you don't get to be happy.
Remus felt as though he'd just walked through a ghost. It took him a minute to realize that he had. He bent over and took a few more deep breaths while rubbing his knees.
"So you're the one who's at a crossroads," Nearly-Headless Nick said.
Remus straightened. "This isn't a great time, Nearly-Headless Nick."
"I'd prefer Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington."
"Either way, I've got to run."
"I don't think so. I was sent to you. Let's have a drink. Well - you can have a drink. I haven't had a drink in 500 years."
Remus followed Nick into The Three Broomsticks.
"Sit down," the ghost said.
"How did you leave the castle?" Remus asked as he pulled out a chair.
"We aren't completely bound, you know. And sometimes we can sense that someone is in great distress."
"I think everyone is right now," Remus pointed out.
"But you are in a special kind of distress. One of great self-loathing."
"I don't hate myself," Remus said.
"I'm afraid I think you do. You wish your life had been different."
"I've hurt people," Remus told Nick wearily. "A lot of people. Just for being myself."
Nick rolled his eyes. "Well, that's the greatest load of rubbish I've ever heard."
"It's true. I cause problems for people. Everyone would be better if..."
"If you'd never been born?"
"What? No," Remus said. "But if I'd never been a werewolf."
"Do you really think everything would be magically different? That bad things won't have happened?"
"They won't have happened the same way."
Nick closed his eyes, as though contemplating deeply.
"Why don't we see for ourselves, if that would be true?" He asked finally.
Remus laughed bitterly. "I don't think we'll ever know."
That was the last thing he remembered.
When Remus woke up, he wasn't in his room. He was in a room with a Grindylow tank, a wardrobe, and a window with drapes.
Seated in the chair - or, rather, through the chair - was Nick.
"Morning," he said. "Welcome to your new world."
"What new world?" Remus asked.
"You were never a werewolf."
"How is that possible?"
"I told you we'd see for ourselves. Now you can see for yourself. Your home seems modest enough."
Remus nodded. "It does. Am I married?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Girlfriend?"
"Not anymore. Why don't we go to work?"
"Can I have breakfast?"
Nick laughed. "You don't eat breakfast at home. You go straight to work and eat there. Don't want to be too out of character."
Remus got dressed and Apparated to the Ministry with trepidation. He was still mildly shocked.
"By the way," Nick told him as they headed for the lift, "you're the Head of the Auror Department."
"I'm what?"
"You were able to become an Auror. Now you're the Head of the Department. Say hello to Kingsley."
Kingsley had also stepped into the lift.
"Kingsley!" Remus said. "How are you?"
Kingsley looked confused. "I'm sorry?"
"How are you?"
"I'm well," Kingsley replied.
"I'm the Head of the Auror Department, right?"
"Yes, Mr. Lupin."
Mr. Lupin?
"Did you need more information about Arthur Weasley?" Kingsley asked.
"No," Remus said quickly. "But... what about him?"
"There's still a war," Nick told Remus. "Not being a werewolf couldn't keep that from happening. Arthur's in the hospital. You aren't in the Order, though. You sided with Fudge."
Remus's heart sank.
"Is Arthur okay?" Remus asked.
"As far as I can tell, yes," Kingsley replied.
"Don't talk to me in front of other people," Nick said. "I'm visible only to you here."
The doors opened, and Remus followed Kingsley into the Auror Department.
Everyone who Remus passed greeted him, but no one seemed overly friendly. Not even Tonks. Very strange.
Remus closed his office door. He appeared to have an that who he kept at work, two bookcases, and a numerous supply of quills.
"I have an office," Remus said. "But... why doesn't anyone seem happy to see me?"
"Half of them think you're standoffish," Nick said. "Others think you're too much like Fudge."
"Since when am I like Fudge?"
"Well, your father used to be of his thinking, didn't he?" Nick said. "Sure, Lyall's a well-meaning bloke, but he's also very by the book. Marrying a Muggle was the only slightly taboo thing he ever did. He even had extreme beliefs about certain Dark Creatures. Like werewolves. 'Soulless,' remember?"
"Dad changed," Remus said firmly.
"Blimey, I wonder what changed that?" Nick asked sarcastically.
Oh.
Nick shook his head. "But that's not all-"
The door opened, and Tonks walked in.
"Here are your reports, Mr. Lupin," she said, handing him several pieces of parchment.
"Thanks," Remus said. He really wanted to hug her, to kiss her... but he knew he couldn't.
Or could he? What if they still had something now?
"I want to talk to you," Remus told her, and he closed the door.
No one else would've known, but Remus knew her well enough: she was worried now. Her jaw twitched, and she tapped her right pinkie finger. The way she always did when she was nervous.
"Yes?"
"Something extraordinary has happened to me," Remus said. "I don't know how we've interacted in the past. But my world has opened up in ways..."
He really should have planned what he was going to say. It just wasn't usually so hard to talk to her.
"Well, I'm glad one of us is happy," Tonks said.
"Not entirely," Remus said. "Some things aren't right. But I think I can be the person everyone needs me to be now."
Tonks looked puzzled. "How so?"
"You... do know what I mean?" Remus asked desperately.
"Sort of hard to," Tonks quipped. "Seeing as you're being so vague."
"I'm a new man. I can be anything I want. With anyone I want to."
Tonks raised her eyebrows. "D'you want me to fix you up with one of my mates, then?"
It wasn't going to happen, Remus realized. He was nothing but a grumpy, distant boss to her.
His Tonks. His Dora.
"No," Remus said, trying to keep his voice from betraying any emotion. "That's okay. Thank you, Miss Tonks."
Remus walked out of his office without another word.
"How is there still a war?" Remus asked Nick quietly as they walked down the street. "And why am I not in the Order?"
"Well, you never were, really," Nick told him.
"Of course I was. Dumbledore recruited James, Peter, Sirius, Lily and myself!"
"Because you were good friends with them. Now that you were never a werewolf, you weren't."
"They didn't become friends with me because I wasn't a werewolf?"
"Oh, they became friends with you," Nick said airily. "They just didn't stay friends with you."
"Because I was more willing to tell them off when they went too far," Remus realized aloud. He was still processing this development.
"Actually, that they didn't mind. I'm rubbish at telling complicated stories. Let's go back in time, shall we?"
"I haven't got a Time-Turner!"
Nick gave Remus a look. "Don't you know it was ghosts who conceived the Pensieve?"
Remus felt a familiar tug at his navel. Then he was watching his former friends as first years, entering their dormitory at Hogwarts.
"James!" Remus exclaimed as James took the top bunk. Sirius took the top of the other bunk, and younger Remus and Peter exchanged raised eyebrows.
"I don't like heights anyway," young Remus said.
"Nor me," Peter agreed, although Remus could tell he was lying.
"That's exactly how it happened," Remus recalled. "Although the next year, I insisted on getting Sirius's bunk. I had more confidence by then. We ended up rotating who got the top bunks throughout our years."
Nick made a retching noise.
"Sorry if the fact that we were nice boys offends you," Remus retorted.
"You weren't always nice," Nick pointed out. "But you were good. You had strong ideas about right and wrong when you felt it counted. Which is where the problems begin."
A fog; then a new memory. Remus and his friends were slightly older now - perhaps in their third year.They were coming out of a class.
"I hate this new Defense Professor," Sirius said. "Bagslock? More like Bollocks."
Remus sighed. He remembered Bagslock; he'd had very anti-Dark Creature views. Including werewolves. Which put them in their fourth year.
"I didn't think he was that bad!" Young Remus sounded surprised.
"That bad? Remus, did you hear what he said about that werewolf in Kent?" James asked.
"Of course. Maybe it was a little harsh, but I don't think he's wrong."
Even Peter looked horrified; James stopped in his tracks altogether.
"He thinks werewolves are automatically dangerous," James said.
"But they are."
Remus couldn't believe what he was hearing himself say.
After glancing at their other friends, Peter said, "only in their forms, Remus."
Young Remus shook his head. "My dad said they're soulless. They look like their former selves, and I suppose some are better at retaining their former selves than others, but ultimately... they're cursed for life."
"Well, my Dad says that's codswallop," James retorted. "It's just Pureblood mentality, isn't it? Like the Death Eaters."
"It's not the same thing at all," the younger Remus said.
"How? You think my family wouldn't say your Muggle Mum's cursed?" Sirius spat.
Young Remus's hand tightened around his wand as he spun at Sirius. "What'd you say about my Mum?"
"Sirius..." James said in a low voice.
Sirius ignored James. "How can you not see that it's the same thing?"
"My Mum doesn't go around eating people on Full Moons."
"Neither did that werewolf in Kent. They just found a reason to arrest him so people would stop talking about how the Ministry let the Death Eaters unravel right under their noses. And don't think they like your Mum much better. You've said it yourself, your Dad and your Mum don't get invited to a lot of dinners."
The younger Remus looked uncomfortable now. "They're wrong about that. I never said they weren't."
"So you must see, then," James said, "that maybe they're wrong about werewolves, too?"
"Fine. Maybe," the younger Remus said. "Can we go to Potions now? We can't afford to be late, we've already missed a class this week thanks to your pranks."
"They were your pranks, too," Peter pointed out. But the younger Remus had already stormed off.
"Cat got your tongue?" Nick asked Remus.
Remus couldn't speak; he felt sick, watching his younger self say so many horrible things. ...
"Sometimes," Remus said, "I feared my friends thought being a werewolf made me interesting. Like a secret passage. And that's why they really befriended me."
"No, they just had progressive views about Dark Creatures," Nick said. "But you didn't. It was something they noticed in shades before, but as they got older, those different views grew more noticeable. What you just saw was the beginning of the end. There were many more conversations like this, many more arguments, each more heated. It didn't help that the war was pressing people - including young people - into firmer and firmer beliefs. You remember how it was."
"So eventually, we weren't friends at all?"
"You might say you remained cordial with them. You made other friends, if no one near as significant as them. Nobody could be what James, Sirius and Peter were. You often regretted the parting of ways, as did they, but none of you knew how to fix what had gone so horribly wrong. To his credit, James tried."
They were back in the dormitory now; young Remus and James seemed to be packing to go home. They were clearly of age by now.
"Where are Peter and Sirius?" young Remus asked.
"Around," James replied. "Remus, I wanted to talk to you."
"You did?"
James nodded. "I'm going to fight them after Hogwarts ends. The Death Eaters."
"You're joining the Auror Department, too?" young Remus asked in surprise.
"No. Separate from them."
"James," the younger Remus said, "don't tell me you're fighting them alone."
James didn't say anything, and the younger Remus shook his head. "That's a terrible idea. This isn't just pranks, you know."
"Maybe you could join us. You'd still be welcome, you know."
"All three of you are doing this alone?"
"I can't tell you the particulars. Look, we diverge in some of our views, but not our main goal. You'd be an asset. And also... we miss you."
For a minute, young Remus seemed to be considering following James. But he shook his head again.
"I don't know what you're doing," he said. "I don't think I can be part of it. Just promise me you'll be careful."
"I can't promise anything."
"Do your best."
James grinned wryly. "I'll do my best, then."
Younger Remus returned the sad smile. "I've missed you lot too, you know. We'll have to get drinks sometimes, in between fighting evil."
"Consider it a deal," James said, and he shook Remus's hand.
Remus realised he'd also reached out his hand. It was hard to say goodbye to one of his best friends all over again.
"We never met again, did we?" Remus asked.
"No," Nick said. "You went separate ways completely, after that. Sure, you sometimes crossed paths, exchanged polite small talk, and further promises of getting drinks sometime.... but it never came to fruition."
"But surely I met the Longbottoms? They were Aurors! They would have recruited me into the Order."
Nick clucked his tongue. "Why? You were perfectly content to follow the rules of Barty Crouch. You believed his extreme measures were necessary. Also, you liked how much approval this gave you. Even without being a werewolf, you sought approval."
"Did James and Lily still..." Remus couldn't finish.
"I'm afraid so," Nick said with a sigh. "The Secret Keeper switch still happened. Sirius was still framed. Peter was at a slight disadvantage, not being able to transform into a rat, but Disapparation worked, too. Muggles couldn't have known that's what happened, and only Sirius saw Peter sever his finger."
"Why wasn't he able to turn into a rat?" Remus asked.
He knew the answer immediately, and Nick must have sensed it, or else was too impatient. "Anyway, Sirius was sent to Azkaban. You had words with him."
Now they were at the Ministry, in a room Remus barely recognized. He believed it was where wizards and witches were interrogated.
"How COULD you?" Young Remus was yelling.
Sirius was shaking. "You don't understand. It wasn't me."
"There were witnesses. And what's more, Dumbledore told us you were the Secret Keeper."
"But -"
"James thought the world of you. He trusted you more than anyone else."
"I KNOW!" Sirius bellowed. Remus closed his eyes, knowing how much it must have hurt Sirius to hear it.
A muscle twitched in younger Remus's jaw. "So why'd you do it?"
"Because..."
The doors opened. and Barty Crouch walked in with Dawlish.
"Get anything out of him?" Barty asked the younger Remus.
"No."
"Azkaban it is, then."
Sirius let out a strangled noise.
The younger Remus frowned. "Azkaban? What about the trial?"
"We don't have time. The evidence is all there, at any rate. Peter Pettigrew's dead. Muggles are dead. The Potters are dead, and I'm sure their son will have no complaints."
"Harry... is Harry okay?" Sirius asked.
"Feigning concern won't get you anywhere," Crouch barked.
Remus had to give his younger self - alternative younger self? - credit: he looked deeply uncomfortable. "Sir, section 394 clearly states that all wizards and witches -"
"-we are not in a position to worry about statutes written in better times. This man has proven a danger to wizardkind. I am ordering you to take him to Azkaban. Is that clear?"
"Remus, you remember Hogwarts," Sirius begged, his voice barely above a whisper. "James was my best mate."
A disgusted look crossed the younger Remus's face. "And that's why you deserve this. He trusted you."
"I think that's enough memory lane," Nick said, and they were back on the streets of London. It was dark now.
"I took us ahead several hours,' Nick explained.
Remus wasn't listening. He could only think about Sirius.
"At least he escaped," Remus said.
Nick smiled sardonically. "How? He was never an Animagus, remember? He's currently in a cell. Gone completely mad, too."
"No." Remus shook his head. "No!"
"I'm sorry to tell you that. Knowing he was innocent helped a bit, in the beginning... but slowly, he was convinced of his own guilt. There was no reprieve."
Remus leaned against a building for support. "So he's still there. With the Dementors."
"Yes."
"But Peter - the only reason Peter ran away was Sirius!"
"You think that?" Nick clucked his tongue. "He missed having power. He still ran away. Both times. The first time, he ran to New York, where he duped a kindly elderly couple into thinking he was a homeless man. Once he worked out that Mrs. Kowalski was a witch, he admitted he was a Wizard, but said he was too distressed to elaborate further. He simply worked in the kitchen of their pastry shop quietly, but always listening for word. One day, he got it, when Mrs. Kowalski's brother and sister in law visited them from England. Oh, the stories they told... two years before, a creature had been let loose in Hogwarts. Before that, according to Dumbledore, Voldemort tried to come back into full power using a stone..."
"Who were the brother and sister-in-law?" Remus asked.
"Newt and Queenie Scamander. That's how they knew the inside information, which they wanted to warn Queenie and Jacob Kowalski about. Just in case. Needless to say, Peter began to get ideas. It took him about a year, but he finally managed to find Voldemort in Romania. The Kowalskis simply believe he went home."
"So everything else transpired as... it did before?"
"Yes, more or less. Although Harry's even worse for wear, if you can imagine that. He had no Godfather to help him last year, and has no Godfather this year. He also never had you."
"I daresay my involvement in his life was short," Remus said with a sad smile.
"Still, it was involvement. You were his first connection to his parents. You were an important mentor to him. And you gave him back Sirius. Not to mention Dementors. He spent a week at St. Mungo's because he couldn't fend them off when they turned up at Privet Drive."
"What did fend them off?" Remus asked.
"Arabella Figg was able to contact Tonks. She came to the rescue just in time. But Harry was ill-prepared... didn't even really know what a Dementor was, see. I hope he doesn't have to deal with them anytime soon. He's rattled as it is."
"I have to help him," Remus said at once.
"How can you help him? You're the enemy, remember? He doesn't trust you. He barely trusts anyone. But at least he exists."
"Exists? Who doesn't exist?"
"The Patil sisters don't exist," Nick said. "You were instrumental in saving their parents' lives, remember? Without you, their parents were killed, and they were never born. Sturgis Podmore was also killed. You were fighting with him that time. Without you, he was alone."
"No!" Remus exclaimed.
"Yes."
Remus rubbed his face. Sirius in Azkaban... Harry a mess... Sturgis dead, the Patil twins wiped from existence...
He had to fix this.
"I want to see my Dad," Remus told Nick.
"Are you sure about that?"
"I have to make it right," Remus said. "And my father might know how."
Remus had expected Lyall to work closer to the top at work; but still he was where he'd always been, warding off Boggarts and studying Poltergeists.
"Dad," Remus said as he approached his father's cubical.
Lyall looked up at him, and frowned.
"Remus?"
"Yes, Remus. Your son? I believe we've met before."
"I made it clear the last time we spoke that I wanted nothing to do with you until you apologize."
Remus looked at Nick, who simply shrugged and said: "it will become clear."
"Apologize to whom? For what?"
"To Amos. For what was said."
"What was said, exactly?" Remus asked.
Lyall laughed bitterly. "Nothing of great importance to you, evidently."
Remus knew Lyall was on Amos's side, of course. The few conversations he'd had with his father in the past year had made it clear that Amos had become a good friend, despite them not always having gotten along. Maybe now, they had always been close, but what did that have to do with him?
"Dad, I know this won't make sense, but I honestly don't remember," Remus said. "Tell me what I did."
Lyall hesitated, looking around as though fearing eavesdroppers. Finally, he said, "you were discussing the events of the Triwizard Tournament. Your version of them greatly contradicted Amos's. You can believe anyone you want, about anything you want, but to tell a man that Dumbledore might've killed Cedric himself, for all we know..."
"No," Remus said firmly. "I would never."
"I was there."
Remus knew it was no use. "I realize I was wrong now."
"I hope that's true," Lyall said flatly.
"What's the story with him?" Remus asked Nick in a whisper, for Nick had - once again - come up from behind.
"You two started to row," Nick explained. "Lyall began questioning the Ministry years ago. You were reluctant to. Your father's long felt that your position made you smug, a far cry from the kind and modest son he raised. Now you've all but confirmed his worst suspicions."
"So we're still not close."
"No."
"And..." Remus took a deep breath. "I don't suppose my Mum... managed to..."
"She was still killed by Death Eaters."
Remus didn't say anything for a long time; he just walked through the corridors, finally sitting on a bench in the lobby.
"Can I go back?" Remus asked Nick.
"It's not that simple."
"Please let me go back. I've learned my lesson. I think."
"Exactly. There's more to be done. If anything can be done. I've a fuzzy idea of how this all works myself."
Remus covered his face again, and did what he hadn't permitted himself to do in months. When Remus lifted his head and wiped his face, he realized Tonks was staring at him.
"I'd ask if you're okay," she said, "but it seems pretty clear to me that you're not."
"No," Remus admitted hoarsely. "I thought I finally got everything I'd ever wanted. Now I realize that I have less than ever."
Except, apparently, Tonks. She might dislike him, but she still looked concerned.
"Is there anything I can do?" Tonks asked finally.
"Maybe you can help," Remus said. "But first, I need to assure you that I am not mad. Nor is this a trap of any kind. I'm on your side."
"We're all on the same side," Tonks said. But her eyes had narrowed.
"You know what I mean. I've changed. If you'll allow me a few minutes in my office, I can show you."
And so he did. Once there, Remus took a goblet, where he put his memories in. Everything; going to Hogwarts... his friends becoming Animagi... the horrible night he lost James, Lily, Peter and Sirius... accepting the position at Hogwarts... seeing Sirius in the shack... meeting Tonks in the Order... wishing he'd never been a werewolf...
This was the only way Tonks would ever understand.
"Go," he told her. "And good luck."
Tonks still looked confused. "I don't know about this."
"You'll understand everything."
"Not sure how much it'll accomplish," Nick told Remus as Tonks disappeared. Remus ignored him, and waited.
And waited.
Finally, maybe an hour later, Tonks re-emerged. Her face was white.
"I realize it's a lot," Remus said.
"But it all makes sense now," Tonks said.
And then, just like that, she kissed him.
Remus was too elated to question it; he kissed her back, letting himself enjoy the familiar feeling of love and joy that she gave him. They broke apart for two seconds, then kissed again. Then held one another in a tight embrace.
"I always knew, in a way," Tonks whispered. "I could never explain it, but... it was like I knew in another life, in another world, I was meant to care for you. I thought I was out of my mind, that I fancied you for no reason and was making excuses for myself. But it's that I was meant to love you."
"Dora," Remus murmured.
"Remus," Tonks murmured back.
She stepped back, wiping away a tear. "But you thought I wouldn't love you!"
"Would you? I am - was - a werewolf."
"It doesn't matter. None of it matters."
Tonks let out a shaky breath. "And Sirius? He's innocent?"
Remus nodded, and Tonks broke out into a smile. "I always knew there was more to it. Well, Mum did, andI believed her."
"You're wiser than me."
"No,you were grieving three of your friends. At any rate, that's not the point. We're going to get him out of Azkaban."
"He's not an Animagus anymore.'
"We're Aurors, remember? You're the Head of the Department. You can literally stroll into Azkaban anytime you'd like."
How had that not occurred to Remus?
There was one thing they had to do that night, so before they did anything else, they took a walk through London - a proper one - where Remus filled in the gaps for Tonks. Things that his memories could not provide.
It felt so good just being with her. Despite Nick's attempts at warning Remus.
They went skating in the outdoor Muggle ice rink. it had been years since either of them went Muggle Ice Skating, and ultimately ended in both of them falling face down on the ice. To which they laughed loudly.
And then it came.
Remus and Tonks held hands as Remus stared at the full moon, in a way he hadn't in over three decades. With no fear.
"How does it feel?" Tonks asked after a minute.
"I can't begin to describe it," Remus replied truthfully.
But then, at what cost? Sturgis, dead because he wasn't there? His dearest friends, still dead, imprisoned and traitorous? Two of his former students, not even existing? Harry, without a mentor and Godfather? The moon suddenly seemed as menacing and foreboding as ever.
Still, it had been a comforting moment, and Remus couldn't take that for granted.
"It's time to get Sirius," he told her.
They would take Sirius to Dumbledore's office. Remus was confident that it would work. It had to work. And at least Harry could have a mentor. And maybe in that time, Nick could find a way to reverse it altogether.
Tonks found the Portkey, which resembled a Dementor's hood. Classy. Swallowing, they took it.
Nothing could have prepared them for the coldness, the swarm of memories; Remus shuddered as he walked through the prison.
"We have to be hasty," Tonks told Remus. "And think off happy memories..."
It wasn't easy. Remus currently heard several Order members screaming about finding Caradoc Dearborn's arms in the ocean.
"Here," Remus told Tonks, and he handed her chocolate. "It helps."
And it did, but only a little. Remus was very glad to finally reach Sirius's cell.
Sirius was weeping loudly, rocking back and forth.
"Sirius?" Tonks said.
Sirius looked up. He had a wild expression on his face.
"Who... are you?"
"I'm Dora Tonks. Andromeda's daughter."
"Andromeda?" Sirius looked confused.
"Andromeda Tonks. Andromeda Black. Your cousin."
Sirius thought for a minute. "Andromeda... Black. Know her. Friend's wife... no, sister..."
"Close enough for now," Tonks said, sounding strained.
Sirius looked at Remus. "You're... you're... Snivellus?"
"Remus," Remus replied. He hated seeing Sirius like this.
"Let's get him out of here," Tonks said. "We can explain when we get back."
"You'll have a lot to explain," a voice said.
Remus and Tonks stared at John Dawlish.
"Why are you here?" Tonks asked.
"Patrolling. Keeping everyone on their toes. Looking out for trouble. Never thought it'd be you, of course."
"You don't have the authority," Remus told Dawlish. "I could have you fired!"
Dawlish held his wand to Remus. "It's not going to matter, is it? Not when I tell them where I found you... what you were doing..."
"HE'S GETTING THEM READY!" Sirius screamed. "SAYS HE IS ONE - DEATH!"
"Shut it, you mad bat," Dawlish snapped.
"Getting who ready?" Remus and Tonks both asked.
Then, looking at one another, they realized.
"No," Tonks said. "Dawlish... John. Tell me it's not true."
Dawlish smirked. "My, my. Surprised, are we?"
"You're an Auror. You love the Ministry."
"I did. I quickly grew tired of being Fudge's pawn."
"Out... out..." Sirius moaned.
Dawlish threw a hex at them; Remus deflected it, and soon they were dueling, with jeers abound. Sirius was yelling... Tonks was dueling next to Remus...
And Dawlish was on the ground.
"Is he dead?" Remus asked.
Tonks shook her head. "But we should go."
Remus began to run towards the Portkey, but Tonks grabbed his arm. "No. We don't know who's at the Ministry. Dawlish might have company. We're better off summoning the broomsticks and flying."
Flying?
"We'll have to fly over all of that water," Remus said.
Tonks nodded grimly. "I know."
Remus looked at Sirius, who was sobbing on the ground. "But we haven't any choice."
Broomsticks were easy to find; Tonks found a large one that would fit both her and Sirius. Remus got a smaller one.
"Let's do this," she said. "Sirius, you have to hold on."
"Why should I leave... criminal..."
"Oh, give me a break," Tonks spat, and she grabbed Sirius's arms and put them against her waist herself.
"You're not a criminal," Remus told Sirius sharply. "Peter betrayed you. And James."
Something in Sirius's eyes flickered.
What they hadn't anticipated was that the Dementors would follow them. And that it was cold.... very cold...
Bad memories flooded Remus as he flew. He tried to ignore them, but it was increasingly difficult. The cold of the Dementors exacerbated the cold outside... and he could see it was affecting Tonks.
"THINK OF SOMETHING HAPPY!" Remus bellowed. "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
The Dementors withdrew, but it was dark... cold...they weren't really needed...
Remus began to relax.
"Remus?" Tonks called.
It wasn't so bad... almost like flying on wood a tree branch... at the beach... because beaches have water...
Tonks yelled what, deep down, Remus knew was a warming spell, but it was too late. He'd already slid off his broom.
"REMUS!"
The cold water jolted Remus awake; he realised Tonks was skimming the water now. Not easily - Sirius's weight made it harder.
"Grab my hand," she said.
A large wave hovered over them, forcing Tonks and Sirius off their brooms.
"DORA!" Remus screamed.
Shivering and trying to keep himself awake and alert, he swam in her direction. It wasn't easy; the waves pulled him away, further and further. Remus could hear her calling his name, but couldn't see where she was.
Then the calling stopped.
"DORA!" Remus yelled again.
Nothing.
"SIRIUS!" Remus cried. "Dora! Sirius!"
"I did try to tell you," Nick said.
"Why did you only show up now?" Remus asked.
His legs were numb... and he was starting to not care anymore... he was so, so tired...
"Sleep," Remus whispered. "I want to go to bed. Can you tell the waves to be quiet?"
And then all Remus saw was darkness.
"Remus!"
Remus's eyes opened.
He was on the sofa in Grimmauld Place, a blanket over him. Tonks was next to him.
"You're okay," Remus said. He sat straight up. "Oh God, you're okay!"
He grabbed Tonks and held her so tightly, she let out a cry of surprise.
"Of course I'm okay," Tonks said. "Are you? What happened? Dung found you outside drenching in water and delirious."
"Dung?"
"Mundungus."
"But he's in the Order," Remus said.
Tonks raised her eyebrows. "We're all in the Order."
"Still waking up, mate?" Sirius asked. Remus hadn't noticed him sitting in the chair across from the couch.
"Padfoot!" Remus gasped.
He embraced Sirius. "I'm back! I'm really back!"
"The real question is," Molly asked as she brought in a bowl of soup, handing it to Remus, "where you were."
"I was-"
Remus stopped. He knew there was no way they would ever believe him. So instead, he said, "I had a panic attack. But... then I had a dream. Except it wasn't just a dream. Or at least I hope not; I always hated all-a-dream endings."
Remus turned to Dora. "Dora, the way I treated you earlier... if you never spoke to me again, I would completely understand and forgive you. But I know now how important you are to me. How much I need you. I reckon the fates have conspired to keep us together."
"A little dramatic, but I'll take it," Tonks said, a radiant smile crossing her face.
"And Sirius..." Remus looked at him. "Sometimes at school, I feared maybe you pitied me, a little. But you never did. You were a great kid, even if you didn't see yourself that way. You're still a great man."
"Thank you," Sirius said slowly.
"Harry!" Remus exclaimed as Harry entered the room, looking abashed for some reason. He was followed by Ron, Ginny and Hermione.
"Yeah, we finally sussed him out of his room," Ron said.
Remus squeezed Harry's shoulder so tightly, he thought for a moment that he might have dislocated it. After a quick check, he continued: "I'm your mentor, okay? Anytime you need me, I am here. So is Sirius."
Harry looked surprised, but not displeased.
"My father!" Remus realised aloud. "Dora, let's see him tonight. Meet him a day early. What do you say?"
"I - sure," Tonks said.
Remus took her hand, and they ran out of the house.
"What's gotten into you?" Tonks asked.
Remus smiled. "I ran into Nearly-Headless Nick. He gave me some perspective. Then I got hypothermia."
"Excuse me?"
"I'll explain some other time."
And so they visited with Lyall, who was very pleased to see his son. Lyall embraced Remus.
"I'm so sorry," Remus said.
"For what, Remus?"
"For... everything. I've been a bad son these last few years. But I'm going to change that. I've learned what's important."
"And that," Remus told Harry, "is how I learned to accept who I am."
They were sitting in the kitchen, having coffee. It had been a long three years; Harry was almost eighteen now, and had fought and suffered more than boys his age.
Which was why he needed to hear the story. The one Remus had never told anyone. Not even his wife.
"So... being a werewolf was for the best, then?" Harry asked. "And does that mean what happened to me - when I was one - was for the best? Because that's a horrid lesson."
"It's not the point," Remus assured him. "What happened to me, what happened to you, should never have occurred. Children don't deserve to have their lives turned upside down. But see... it happened. And I had an effect on people, as did you. More than I ever realised, more than you probably realise. We don't deserve some of the things we got, but that doesn't mean our lives are worthless. Because sometimes the bad things allowed us to be better people. And the people we love were better for it."
"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live," Harry said aloud. "Dumbledore told me that, once."
"And he was very right."
"What are you two doing in here?" Dora asked, her head peering in.
Remus smiled. "Just giving Harry some life advice."
Coming back hadn't meant there wasn't still a war; nor did it save everything. Remus's heart still hurt for Sirius. But at least Sirius had died surrounded by friends, fighting the good fight, and not in a cell, or a bitter unforgiving sea.
Life had purpose. That, Remus would never forget.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Ships/Characters: Remus/Tonks; the Marauders, Lyall Lupin, Nearly-Headless Nick, Harry
Title:Rating & Warnings: PG-13
Word Count/Art Medium: 6,780 (One-Short/Short Story)
Summary: Remus has many regrets. He feels that he has lived life being a burden to others, and having caused many a problem. But would the omission of one fateful Full Moon really have changed everything?
This story is written in the spirit of It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol.
Notes:
- Trigger warning for allusions to a panic attack and depressed thoughts.
- This fanfic was written before the second Fantastic Beasts film (last year), so there may be a contradiction.
- The fanfic also has an alternative ending for the direction the books take Remus's character.
Remus and Tonks had slipped away again. They took off after visiting Arthur in the hospital, Apparating to a Muggle London suburb where they were unlikely to be recognized.
Molly understood; she, Arthur, Sirius, and a few other Order members knew about them. But most did not. Part of it was that the Ministry couldn't know; not right now. And even people outside of the Ministry wouldn't be understanding. For all Remus knew, people in the Order - besides those who knew - wouldn't understand. True, they tolerated him, and didn't seem overly stymied to be working with a werewolf; but Remus had seen enough in his lifetime to know that many people were only tolerant to a point.
"Remus?" Tonks was looking at him. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Remus lied.
"Arthur's going to be okay."
"It's not that."
"Well, then, what?"
Remus knew then what he had to do. "How long can we keep this up for?"
"Keep what up for?"
"Hiding our relationship."
"When we're ready, we'll tell people. That's what we agreed on."
"People will talk."
Tonks shrugged. "So let them. Dating a werewolf's not illegal. Nor is marrying one, for that matter."
Remus laughed bitterly. "You'd never get promoted at work if you stayed with me. You might lose your friends."
"My friends wouldn't care! Bill's your friend too, you've met Charlie, and Deirdre's a Healer, she's had patients who were werewolves."
"What about Adam Gudgeon? Felicia Trixam? Your friends in the Auror Department?"
Tonks hesitated. "They'd come around to the idea. And if they don't, more the worse for them. I don't want friends like that."
"Dora, you love harder than anyone I know. Could you really part with them?"
"I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard. You want honesty? It would be heartbreaking. But it would be twice as hard to part ways with you."
Remus realized then how much she loved him. And how much, how deeply, he loved her. It scared him, and he knew what he had to do. But he couldn't do it now. He slipped his hands away from Tonks.
"I'd better get going," he told her.
"You'd better not get going."
"It's getting late."
"We're still going to your dad's Christmas Eve, aren't we?" Tonks asked. Her voice was hopeful, but her expression was not.
"Maybe that's not such a good idea," Remus said. "For either of us."
Tonks folded her arms. "Don't tell me you're not going to see your Dad."
Remus didn't say anything.
"Remus!" Tonks exclaimed. "You can't do that to him!"
"He's used to it," Remus said airily.
"That doesn't make it okay. What's with you?"
"It's been a long week," Remus said. "I'm sorry, I can't stay. I'll see you tomorrow."
And he left her there. The woman he'd loved like no other.
It wasn't until Remus felt sweat on his palms that he realized he'd been pacing Hogsmeade for an hour.
How had he even got here from London? He couldn't remember. All he knew was that his mind was racing. He couldn't keep his thoughts straight.
He loved Tonks, but he couldn't have her. He couldn't go home, because his father's small house and few personal effects made him think of how much money had been spent on cures that never panned out. The strain between a father and son who didn't know one another well.
And Sirius. This was his fault too. Remus knew it; if he hadn't transformed that night, if he'd remembered to take his Wolfsbane, Sirius would likely be a free man living in a real home. Perhaps he'd love someone, too.
Peter would never have gotten away...
Think something happy. Think something happy. Meeting James, Sirius and Peter. James is dead. James is dead because they didn't trust you, because you distanced yourself. Sirius could've been proven innocent, could've been freed, but wasn't because you transformed that night. Your father's poor because he and your Mum spent all their money on you. To your friends, you're a pity, a personal sacrifice. To strangers? An abomination. Think something happy... people like you don't get to be happy.
Remus felt as though he'd just walked through a ghost. It took him a minute to realize that he had. He bent over and took a few more deep breaths while rubbing his knees.
"So you're the one who's at a crossroads," Nearly-Headless Nick said.
Remus straightened. "This isn't a great time, Nearly-Headless Nick."
"I'd prefer Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington."
"Either way, I've got to run."
"I don't think so. I was sent to you. Let's have a drink. Well - you can have a drink. I haven't had a drink in 500 years."
Remus followed Nick into The Three Broomsticks.
"Sit down," the ghost said.
"How did you leave the castle?" Remus asked as he pulled out a chair.
"We aren't completely bound, you know. And sometimes we can sense that someone is in great distress."
"I think everyone is right now," Remus pointed out.
"But you are in a special kind of distress. One of great self-loathing."
"I don't hate myself," Remus said.
"I'm afraid I think you do. You wish your life had been different."
"I've hurt people," Remus told Nick wearily. "A lot of people. Just for being myself."
Nick rolled his eyes. "Well, that's the greatest load of rubbish I've ever heard."
"It's true. I cause problems for people. Everyone would be better if..."
"If you'd never been born?"
"What? No," Remus said. "But if I'd never been a werewolf."
"Do you really think everything would be magically different? That bad things won't have happened?"
"They won't have happened the same way."
Nick closed his eyes, as though contemplating deeply.
"Why don't we see for ourselves, if that would be true?" He asked finally.
Remus laughed bitterly. "I don't think we'll ever know."
That was the last thing he remembered.
When Remus woke up, he wasn't in his room. He was in a room with a Grindylow tank, a wardrobe, and a window with drapes.
Seated in the chair - or, rather, through the chair - was Nick.
"Morning," he said. "Welcome to your new world."
"What new world?" Remus asked.
"You were never a werewolf."
"How is that possible?"
"I told you we'd see for ourselves. Now you can see for yourself. Your home seems modest enough."
Remus nodded. "It does. Am I married?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Girlfriend?"
"Not anymore. Why don't we go to work?"
"Can I have breakfast?"
Nick laughed. "You don't eat breakfast at home. You go straight to work and eat there. Don't want to be too out of character."
Remus got dressed and Apparated to the Ministry with trepidation. He was still mildly shocked.
"By the way," Nick told him as they headed for the lift, "you're the Head of the Auror Department."
"I'm what?"
"You were able to become an Auror. Now you're the Head of the Department. Say hello to Kingsley."
Kingsley had also stepped into the lift.
"Kingsley!" Remus said. "How are you?"
Kingsley looked confused. "I'm sorry?"
"How are you?"
"I'm well," Kingsley replied.
"I'm the Head of the Auror Department, right?"
"Yes, Mr. Lupin."
Mr. Lupin?
"Did you need more information about Arthur Weasley?" Kingsley asked.
"No," Remus said quickly. "But... what about him?"
"There's still a war," Nick told Remus. "Not being a werewolf couldn't keep that from happening. Arthur's in the hospital. You aren't in the Order, though. You sided with Fudge."
Remus's heart sank.
"Is Arthur okay?" Remus asked.
"As far as I can tell, yes," Kingsley replied.
"Don't talk to me in front of other people," Nick said. "I'm visible only to you here."
The doors opened, and Remus followed Kingsley into the Auror Department.
Everyone who Remus passed greeted him, but no one seemed overly friendly. Not even Tonks. Very strange.
Remus closed his office door. He appeared to have an that who he kept at work, two bookcases, and a numerous supply of quills.
"I have an office," Remus said. "But... why doesn't anyone seem happy to see me?"
"Half of them think you're standoffish," Nick said. "Others think you're too much like Fudge."
"Since when am I like Fudge?"
"Well, your father used to be of his thinking, didn't he?" Nick said. "Sure, Lyall's a well-meaning bloke, but he's also very by the book. Marrying a Muggle was the only slightly taboo thing he ever did. He even had extreme beliefs about certain Dark Creatures. Like werewolves. 'Soulless,' remember?"
"Dad changed," Remus said firmly.
"Blimey, I wonder what changed that?" Nick asked sarcastically.
Oh.
Nick shook his head. "But that's not all-"
The door opened, and Tonks walked in.
"Here are your reports, Mr. Lupin," she said, handing him several pieces of parchment.
"Thanks," Remus said. He really wanted to hug her, to kiss her... but he knew he couldn't.
Or could he? What if they still had something now?
"I want to talk to you," Remus told her, and he closed the door.
No one else would've known, but Remus knew her well enough: she was worried now. Her jaw twitched, and she tapped her right pinkie finger. The way she always did when she was nervous.
"Yes?"
"Something extraordinary has happened to me," Remus said. "I don't know how we've interacted in the past. But my world has opened up in ways..."
He really should have planned what he was going to say. It just wasn't usually so hard to talk to her.
"Well, I'm glad one of us is happy," Tonks said.
"Not entirely," Remus said. "Some things aren't right. But I think I can be the person everyone needs me to be now."
Tonks looked puzzled. "How so?"
"You... do know what I mean?" Remus asked desperately.
"Sort of hard to," Tonks quipped. "Seeing as you're being so vague."
"I'm a new man. I can be anything I want. With anyone I want to."
Tonks raised her eyebrows. "D'you want me to fix you up with one of my mates, then?"
It wasn't going to happen, Remus realized. He was nothing but a grumpy, distant boss to her.
His Tonks. His Dora.
"No," Remus said, trying to keep his voice from betraying any emotion. "That's okay. Thank you, Miss Tonks."
Remus walked out of his office without another word.
"How is there still a war?" Remus asked Nick quietly as they walked down the street. "And why am I not in the Order?"
"Well, you never were, really," Nick told him.
"Of course I was. Dumbledore recruited James, Peter, Sirius, Lily and myself!"
"Because you were good friends with them. Now that you were never a werewolf, you weren't."
"They didn't become friends with me because I wasn't a werewolf?"
"Oh, they became friends with you," Nick said airily. "They just didn't stay friends with you."
"Because I was more willing to tell them off when they went too far," Remus realized aloud. He was still processing this development.
"Actually, that they didn't mind. I'm rubbish at telling complicated stories. Let's go back in time, shall we?"
"I haven't got a Time-Turner!"
Nick gave Remus a look. "Don't you know it was ghosts who conceived the Pensieve?"
Remus felt a familiar tug at his navel. Then he was watching his former friends as first years, entering their dormitory at Hogwarts.
"James!" Remus exclaimed as James took the top bunk. Sirius took the top of the other bunk, and younger Remus and Peter exchanged raised eyebrows.
"I don't like heights anyway," young Remus said.
"Nor me," Peter agreed, although Remus could tell he was lying.
"That's exactly how it happened," Remus recalled. "Although the next year, I insisted on getting Sirius's bunk. I had more confidence by then. We ended up rotating who got the top bunks throughout our years."
Nick made a retching noise.
"Sorry if the fact that we were nice boys offends you," Remus retorted.
"You weren't always nice," Nick pointed out. "But you were good. You had strong ideas about right and wrong when you felt it counted. Which is where the problems begin."
A fog; then a new memory. Remus and his friends were slightly older now - perhaps in their third year.They were coming out of a class.
"I hate this new Defense Professor," Sirius said. "Bagslock? More like Bollocks."
Remus sighed. He remembered Bagslock; he'd had very anti-Dark Creature views. Including werewolves. Which put them in their fourth year.
"I didn't think he was that bad!" Young Remus sounded surprised.
"That bad? Remus, did you hear what he said about that werewolf in Kent?" James asked.
"Of course. Maybe it was a little harsh, but I don't think he's wrong."
Even Peter looked horrified; James stopped in his tracks altogether.
"He thinks werewolves are automatically dangerous," James said.
"But they are."
Remus couldn't believe what he was hearing himself say.
After glancing at their other friends, Peter said, "only in their forms, Remus."
Young Remus shook his head. "My dad said they're soulless. They look like their former selves, and I suppose some are better at retaining their former selves than others, but ultimately... they're cursed for life."
"Well, my Dad says that's codswallop," James retorted. "It's just Pureblood mentality, isn't it? Like the Death Eaters."
"It's not the same thing at all," the younger Remus said.
"How? You think my family wouldn't say your Muggle Mum's cursed?" Sirius spat.
Young Remus's hand tightened around his wand as he spun at Sirius. "What'd you say about my Mum?"
"Sirius..." James said in a low voice.
Sirius ignored James. "How can you not see that it's the same thing?"
"My Mum doesn't go around eating people on Full Moons."
"Neither did that werewolf in Kent. They just found a reason to arrest him so people would stop talking about how the Ministry let the Death Eaters unravel right under their noses. And don't think they like your Mum much better. You've said it yourself, your Dad and your Mum don't get invited to a lot of dinners."
The younger Remus looked uncomfortable now. "They're wrong about that. I never said they weren't."
"So you must see, then," James said, "that maybe they're wrong about werewolves, too?"
"Fine. Maybe," the younger Remus said. "Can we go to Potions now? We can't afford to be late, we've already missed a class this week thanks to your pranks."
"They were your pranks, too," Peter pointed out. But the younger Remus had already stormed off.
"Cat got your tongue?" Nick asked Remus.
Remus couldn't speak; he felt sick, watching his younger self say so many horrible things. ...
"Sometimes," Remus said, "I feared my friends thought being a werewolf made me interesting. Like a secret passage. And that's why they really befriended me."
"No, they just had progressive views about Dark Creatures," Nick said. "But you didn't. It was something they noticed in shades before, but as they got older, those different views grew more noticeable. What you just saw was the beginning of the end. There were many more conversations like this, many more arguments, each more heated. It didn't help that the war was pressing people - including young people - into firmer and firmer beliefs. You remember how it was."
"So eventually, we weren't friends at all?"
"You might say you remained cordial with them. You made other friends, if no one near as significant as them. Nobody could be what James, Sirius and Peter were. You often regretted the parting of ways, as did they, but none of you knew how to fix what had gone so horribly wrong. To his credit, James tried."
They were back in the dormitory now; young Remus and James seemed to be packing to go home. They were clearly of age by now.
"Where are Peter and Sirius?" young Remus asked.
"Around," James replied. "Remus, I wanted to talk to you."
"You did?"
James nodded. "I'm going to fight them after Hogwarts ends. The Death Eaters."
"You're joining the Auror Department, too?" young Remus asked in surprise.
"No. Separate from them."
"James," the younger Remus said, "don't tell me you're fighting them alone."
James didn't say anything, and the younger Remus shook his head. "That's a terrible idea. This isn't just pranks, you know."
"Maybe you could join us. You'd still be welcome, you know."
"All three of you are doing this alone?"
"I can't tell you the particulars. Look, we diverge in some of our views, but not our main goal. You'd be an asset. And also... we miss you."
For a minute, young Remus seemed to be considering following James. But he shook his head again.
"I don't know what you're doing," he said. "I don't think I can be part of it. Just promise me you'll be careful."
"I can't promise anything."
"Do your best."
James grinned wryly. "I'll do my best, then."
Younger Remus returned the sad smile. "I've missed you lot too, you know. We'll have to get drinks sometimes, in between fighting evil."
"Consider it a deal," James said, and he shook Remus's hand.
Remus realised he'd also reached out his hand. It was hard to say goodbye to one of his best friends all over again.
"We never met again, did we?" Remus asked.
"No," Nick said. "You went separate ways completely, after that. Sure, you sometimes crossed paths, exchanged polite small talk, and further promises of getting drinks sometime.... but it never came to fruition."
"But surely I met the Longbottoms? They were Aurors! They would have recruited me into the Order."
Nick clucked his tongue. "Why? You were perfectly content to follow the rules of Barty Crouch. You believed his extreme measures were necessary. Also, you liked how much approval this gave you. Even without being a werewolf, you sought approval."
"Did James and Lily still..." Remus couldn't finish.
"I'm afraid so," Nick said with a sigh. "The Secret Keeper switch still happened. Sirius was still framed. Peter was at a slight disadvantage, not being able to transform into a rat, but Disapparation worked, too. Muggles couldn't have known that's what happened, and only Sirius saw Peter sever his finger."
"Why wasn't he able to turn into a rat?" Remus asked.
He knew the answer immediately, and Nick must have sensed it, or else was too impatient. "Anyway, Sirius was sent to Azkaban. You had words with him."
Now they were at the Ministry, in a room Remus barely recognized. He believed it was where wizards and witches were interrogated.
"How COULD you?" Young Remus was yelling.
Sirius was shaking. "You don't understand. It wasn't me."
"There were witnesses. And what's more, Dumbledore told us you were the Secret Keeper."
"But -"
"James thought the world of you. He trusted you more than anyone else."
"I KNOW!" Sirius bellowed. Remus closed his eyes, knowing how much it must have hurt Sirius to hear it.
A muscle twitched in younger Remus's jaw. "So why'd you do it?"
"Because..."
The doors opened. and Barty Crouch walked in with Dawlish.
"Get anything out of him?" Barty asked the younger Remus.
"No."
"Azkaban it is, then."
Sirius let out a strangled noise.
The younger Remus frowned. "Azkaban? What about the trial?"
"We don't have time. The evidence is all there, at any rate. Peter Pettigrew's dead. Muggles are dead. The Potters are dead, and I'm sure their son will have no complaints."
"Harry... is Harry okay?" Sirius asked.
"Feigning concern won't get you anywhere," Crouch barked.
Remus had to give his younger self - alternative younger self? - credit: he looked deeply uncomfortable. "Sir, section 394 clearly states that all wizards and witches -"
"-we are not in a position to worry about statutes written in better times. This man has proven a danger to wizardkind. I am ordering you to take him to Azkaban. Is that clear?"
"Remus, you remember Hogwarts," Sirius begged, his voice barely above a whisper. "James was my best mate."
A disgusted look crossed the younger Remus's face. "And that's why you deserve this. He trusted you."
"I think that's enough memory lane," Nick said, and they were back on the streets of London. It was dark now.
"I took us ahead several hours,' Nick explained.
Remus wasn't listening. He could only think about Sirius.
"At least he escaped," Remus said.
Nick smiled sardonically. "How? He was never an Animagus, remember? He's currently in a cell. Gone completely mad, too."
"No." Remus shook his head. "No!"
"I'm sorry to tell you that. Knowing he was innocent helped a bit, in the beginning... but slowly, he was convinced of his own guilt. There was no reprieve."
Remus leaned against a building for support. "So he's still there. With the Dementors."
"Yes."
"But Peter - the only reason Peter ran away was Sirius!"
"You think that?" Nick clucked his tongue. "He missed having power. He still ran away. Both times. The first time, he ran to New York, where he duped a kindly elderly couple into thinking he was a homeless man. Once he worked out that Mrs. Kowalski was a witch, he admitted he was a Wizard, but said he was too distressed to elaborate further. He simply worked in the kitchen of their pastry shop quietly, but always listening for word. One day, he got it, when Mrs. Kowalski's brother and sister in law visited them from England. Oh, the stories they told... two years before, a creature had been let loose in Hogwarts. Before that, according to Dumbledore, Voldemort tried to come back into full power using a stone..."
"Who were the brother and sister-in-law?" Remus asked.
"Newt and Queenie Scamander. That's how they knew the inside information, which they wanted to warn Queenie and Jacob Kowalski about. Just in case. Needless to say, Peter began to get ideas. It took him about a year, but he finally managed to find Voldemort in Romania. The Kowalskis simply believe he went home."
"So everything else transpired as... it did before?"
"Yes, more or less. Although Harry's even worse for wear, if you can imagine that. He had no Godfather to help him last year, and has no Godfather this year. He also never had you."
"I daresay my involvement in his life was short," Remus said with a sad smile.
"Still, it was involvement. You were his first connection to his parents. You were an important mentor to him. And you gave him back Sirius. Not to mention Dementors. He spent a week at St. Mungo's because he couldn't fend them off when they turned up at Privet Drive."
"What did fend them off?" Remus asked.
"Arabella Figg was able to contact Tonks. She came to the rescue just in time. But Harry was ill-prepared... didn't even really know what a Dementor was, see. I hope he doesn't have to deal with them anytime soon. He's rattled as it is."
"I have to help him," Remus said at once.
"How can you help him? You're the enemy, remember? He doesn't trust you. He barely trusts anyone. But at least he exists."
"Exists? Who doesn't exist?"
"The Patil sisters don't exist," Nick said. "You were instrumental in saving their parents' lives, remember? Without you, their parents were killed, and they were never born. Sturgis Podmore was also killed. You were fighting with him that time. Without you, he was alone."
"No!" Remus exclaimed.
"Yes."
Remus rubbed his face. Sirius in Azkaban... Harry a mess... Sturgis dead, the Patil twins wiped from existence...
He had to fix this.
"I want to see my Dad," Remus told Nick.
"Are you sure about that?"
"I have to make it right," Remus said. "And my father might know how."
Remus had expected Lyall to work closer to the top at work; but still he was where he'd always been, warding off Boggarts and studying Poltergeists.
"Dad," Remus said as he approached his father's cubical.
Lyall looked up at him, and frowned.
"Remus?"
"Yes, Remus. Your son? I believe we've met before."
"I made it clear the last time we spoke that I wanted nothing to do with you until you apologize."
Remus looked at Nick, who simply shrugged and said: "it will become clear."
"Apologize to whom? For what?"
"To Amos. For what was said."
"What was said, exactly?" Remus asked.
Lyall laughed bitterly. "Nothing of great importance to you, evidently."
Remus knew Lyall was on Amos's side, of course. The few conversations he'd had with his father in the past year had made it clear that Amos had become a good friend, despite them not always having gotten along. Maybe now, they had always been close, but what did that have to do with him?
"Dad, I know this won't make sense, but I honestly don't remember," Remus said. "Tell me what I did."
Lyall hesitated, looking around as though fearing eavesdroppers. Finally, he said, "you were discussing the events of the Triwizard Tournament. Your version of them greatly contradicted Amos's. You can believe anyone you want, about anything you want, but to tell a man that Dumbledore might've killed Cedric himself, for all we know..."
"No," Remus said firmly. "I would never."
"I was there."
Remus knew it was no use. "I realize I was wrong now."
"I hope that's true," Lyall said flatly.
"What's the story with him?" Remus asked Nick in a whisper, for Nick had - once again - come up from behind.
"You two started to row," Nick explained. "Lyall began questioning the Ministry years ago. You were reluctant to. Your father's long felt that your position made you smug, a far cry from the kind and modest son he raised. Now you've all but confirmed his worst suspicions."
"So we're still not close."
"No."
"And..." Remus took a deep breath. "I don't suppose my Mum... managed to..."
"She was still killed by Death Eaters."
Remus didn't say anything for a long time; he just walked through the corridors, finally sitting on a bench in the lobby.
"Can I go back?" Remus asked Nick.
"It's not that simple."
"Please let me go back. I've learned my lesson. I think."
"Exactly. There's more to be done. If anything can be done. I've a fuzzy idea of how this all works myself."
Remus covered his face again, and did what he hadn't permitted himself to do in months. When Remus lifted his head and wiped his face, he realized Tonks was staring at him.
"I'd ask if you're okay," she said, "but it seems pretty clear to me that you're not."
"No," Remus admitted hoarsely. "I thought I finally got everything I'd ever wanted. Now I realize that I have less than ever."
Except, apparently, Tonks. She might dislike him, but she still looked concerned.
"Is there anything I can do?" Tonks asked finally.
"Maybe you can help," Remus said. "But first, I need to assure you that I am not mad. Nor is this a trap of any kind. I'm on your side."
"We're all on the same side," Tonks said. But her eyes had narrowed.
"You know what I mean. I've changed. If you'll allow me a few minutes in my office, I can show you."
And so he did. Once there, Remus took a goblet, where he put his memories in. Everything; going to Hogwarts... his friends becoming Animagi... the horrible night he lost James, Lily, Peter and Sirius... accepting the position at Hogwarts... seeing Sirius in the shack... meeting Tonks in the Order... wishing he'd never been a werewolf...
This was the only way Tonks would ever understand.
"Go," he told her. "And good luck."
Tonks still looked confused. "I don't know about this."
"You'll understand everything."
"Not sure how much it'll accomplish," Nick told Remus as Tonks disappeared. Remus ignored him, and waited.
And waited.
Finally, maybe an hour later, Tonks re-emerged. Her face was white.
"I realize it's a lot," Remus said.
"But it all makes sense now," Tonks said.
And then, just like that, she kissed him.
Remus was too elated to question it; he kissed her back, letting himself enjoy the familiar feeling of love and joy that she gave him. They broke apart for two seconds, then kissed again. Then held one another in a tight embrace.
"I always knew, in a way," Tonks whispered. "I could never explain it, but... it was like I knew in another life, in another world, I was meant to care for you. I thought I was out of my mind, that I fancied you for no reason and was making excuses for myself. But it's that I was meant to love you."
"Dora," Remus murmured.
"Remus," Tonks murmured back.
She stepped back, wiping away a tear. "But you thought I wouldn't love you!"
"Would you? I am - was - a werewolf."
"It doesn't matter. None of it matters."
Tonks let out a shaky breath. "And Sirius? He's innocent?"
Remus nodded, and Tonks broke out into a smile. "I always knew there was more to it. Well, Mum did, andI believed her."
"You're wiser than me."
"No,you were grieving three of your friends. At any rate, that's not the point. We're going to get him out of Azkaban."
"He's not an Animagus anymore.'
"We're Aurors, remember? You're the Head of the Department. You can literally stroll into Azkaban anytime you'd like."
How had that not occurred to Remus?
There was one thing they had to do that night, so before they did anything else, they took a walk through London - a proper one - where Remus filled in the gaps for Tonks. Things that his memories could not provide.
It felt so good just being with her. Despite Nick's attempts at warning Remus.
They went skating in the outdoor Muggle ice rink. it had been years since either of them went Muggle Ice Skating, and ultimately ended in both of them falling face down on the ice. To which they laughed loudly.
And then it came.
Remus and Tonks held hands as Remus stared at the full moon, in a way he hadn't in over three decades. With no fear.
"How does it feel?" Tonks asked after a minute.
"I can't begin to describe it," Remus replied truthfully.
But then, at what cost? Sturgis, dead because he wasn't there? His dearest friends, still dead, imprisoned and traitorous? Two of his former students, not even existing? Harry, without a mentor and Godfather? The moon suddenly seemed as menacing and foreboding as ever.
Still, it had been a comforting moment, and Remus couldn't take that for granted.
"It's time to get Sirius," he told her.
They would take Sirius to Dumbledore's office. Remus was confident that it would work. It had to work. And at least Harry could have a mentor. And maybe in that time, Nick could find a way to reverse it altogether.
Tonks found the Portkey, which resembled a Dementor's hood. Classy. Swallowing, they took it.
Nothing could have prepared them for the coldness, the swarm of memories; Remus shuddered as he walked through the prison.
"We have to be hasty," Tonks told Remus. "And think off happy memories..."
It wasn't easy. Remus currently heard several Order members screaming about finding Caradoc Dearborn's arms in the ocean.
"Here," Remus told Tonks, and he handed her chocolate. "It helps."
And it did, but only a little. Remus was very glad to finally reach Sirius's cell.
Sirius was weeping loudly, rocking back and forth.
"Sirius?" Tonks said.
Sirius looked up. He had a wild expression on his face.
"Who... are you?"
"I'm Dora Tonks. Andromeda's daughter."
"Andromeda?" Sirius looked confused.
"Andromeda Tonks. Andromeda Black. Your cousin."
Sirius thought for a minute. "Andromeda... Black. Know her. Friend's wife... no, sister..."
"Close enough for now," Tonks said, sounding strained.
Sirius looked at Remus. "You're... you're... Snivellus?"
"Remus," Remus replied. He hated seeing Sirius like this.
"Let's get him out of here," Tonks said. "We can explain when we get back."
"You'll have a lot to explain," a voice said.
Remus and Tonks stared at John Dawlish.
"Why are you here?" Tonks asked.
"Patrolling. Keeping everyone on their toes. Looking out for trouble. Never thought it'd be you, of course."
"You don't have the authority," Remus told Dawlish. "I could have you fired!"
Dawlish held his wand to Remus. "It's not going to matter, is it? Not when I tell them where I found you... what you were doing..."
"HE'S GETTING THEM READY!" Sirius screamed. "SAYS HE IS ONE - DEATH!"
"Shut it, you mad bat," Dawlish snapped.
"Getting who ready?" Remus and Tonks both asked.
Then, looking at one another, they realized.
"No," Tonks said. "Dawlish... John. Tell me it's not true."
Dawlish smirked. "My, my. Surprised, are we?"
"You're an Auror. You love the Ministry."
"I did. I quickly grew tired of being Fudge's pawn."
"Out... out..." Sirius moaned.
Dawlish threw a hex at them; Remus deflected it, and soon they were dueling, with jeers abound. Sirius was yelling... Tonks was dueling next to Remus...
And Dawlish was on the ground.
"Is he dead?" Remus asked.
Tonks shook her head. "But we should go."
Remus began to run towards the Portkey, but Tonks grabbed his arm. "No. We don't know who's at the Ministry. Dawlish might have company. We're better off summoning the broomsticks and flying."
Flying?
"We'll have to fly over all of that water," Remus said.
Tonks nodded grimly. "I know."
Remus looked at Sirius, who was sobbing on the ground. "But we haven't any choice."
Broomsticks were easy to find; Tonks found a large one that would fit both her and Sirius. Remus got a smaller one.
"Let's do this," she said. "Sirius, you have to hold on."
"Why should I leave... criminal..."
"Oh, give me a break," Tonks spat, and she grabbed Sirius's arms and put them against her waist herself.
"You're not a criminal," Remus told Sirius sharply. "Peter betrayed you. And James."
Something in Sirius's eyes flickered.
What they hadn't anticipated was that the Dementors would follow them. And that it was cold.... very cold...
Bad memories flooded Remus as he flew. He tried to ignore them, but it was increasingly difficult. The cold of the Dementors exacerbated the cold outside... and he could see it was affecting Tonks.
"THINK OF SOMETHING HAPPY!" Remus bellowed. "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
The Dementors withdrew, but it was dark... cold...they weren't really needed...
Remus began to relax.
"Remus?" Tonks called.
It wasn't so bad... almost like flying on wood a tree branch... at the beach... because beaches have water...
Tonks yelled what, deep down, Remus knew was a warming spell, but it was too late. He'd already slid off his broom.
"REMUS!"
The cold water jolted Remus awake; he realised Tonks was skimming the water now. Not easily - Sirius's weight made it harder.
"Grab my hand," she said.
A large wave hovered over them, forcing Tonks and Sirius off their brooms.
"DORA!" Remus screamed.
Shivering and trying to keep himself awake and alert, he swam in her direction. It wasn't easy; the waves pulled him away, further and further. Remus could hear her calling his name, but couldn't see where she was.
Then the calling stopped.
"DORA!" Remus yelled again.
Nothing.
"SIRIUS!" Remus cried. "Dora! Sirius!"
"I did try to tell you," Nick said.
"Why did you only show up now?" Remus asked.
His legs were numb... and he was starting to not care anymore... he was so, so tired...
"Sleep," Remus whispered. "I want to go to bed. Can you tell the waves to be quiet?"
And then all Remus saw was darkness.
"Remus!"
Remus's eyes opened.
He was on the sofa in Grimmauld Place, a blanket over him. Tonks was next to him.
"You're okay," Remus said. He sat straight up. "Oh God, you're okay!"
He grabbed Tonks and held her so tightly, she let out a cry of surprise.
"Of course I'm okay," Tonks said. "Are you? What happened? Dung found you outside drenching in water and delirious."
"Dung?"
"Mundungus."
"But he's in the Order," Remus said.
Tonks raised her eyebrows. "We're all in the Order."
"Still waking up, mate?" Sirius asked. Remus hadn't noticed him sitting in the chair across from the couch.
"Padfoot!" Remus gasped.
He embraced Sirius. "I'm back! I'm really back!"
"The real question is," Molly asked as she brought in a bowl of soup, handing it to Remus, "where you were."
"I was-"
Remus stopped. He knew there was no way they would ever believe him. So instead, he said, "I had a panic attack. But... then I had a dream. Except it wasn't just a dream. Or at least I hope not; I always hated all-a-dream endings."
Remus turned to Dora. "Dora, the way I treated you earlier... if you never spoke to me again, I would completely understand and forgive you. But I know now how important you are to me. How much I need you. I reckon the fates have conspired to keep us together."
"A little dramatic, but I'll take it," Tonks said, a radiant smile crossing her face.
"And Sirius..." Remus looked at him. "Sometimes at school, I feared maybe you pitied me, a little. But you never did. You were a great kid, even if you didn't see yourself that way. You're still a great man."
"Thank you," Sirius said slowly.
"Harry!" Remus exclaimed as Harry entered the room, looking abashed for some reason. He was followed by Ron, Ginny and Hermione.
"Yeah, we finally sussed him out of his room," Ron said.
Remus squeezed Harry's shoulder so tightly, he thought for a moment that he might have dislocated it. After a quick check, he continued: "I'm your mentor, okay? Anytime you need me, I am here. So is Sirius."
Harry looked surprised, but not displeased.
"My father!" Remus realised aloud. "Dora, let's see him tonight. Meet him a day early. What do you say?"
"I - sure," Tonks said.
Remus took her hand, and they ran out of the house.
"What's gotten into you?" Tonks asked.
Remus smiled. "I ran into Nearly-Headless Nick. He gave me some perspective. Then I got hypothermia."
"Excuse me?"
"I'll explain some other time."
And so they visited with Lyall, who was very pleased to see his son. Lyall embraced Remus.
"I'm so sorry," Remus said.
"For what, Remus?"
"For... everything. I've been a bad son these last few years. But I'm going to change that. I've learned what's important."
"And that," Remus told Harry, "is how I learned to accept who I am."
They were sitting in the kitchen, having coffee. It had been a long three years; Harry was almost eighteen now, and had fought and suffered more than boys his age.
Which was why he needed to hear the story. The one Remus had never told anyone. Not even his wife.
"So... being a werewolf was for the best, then?" Harry asked. "And does that mean what happened to me - when I was one - was for the best? Because that's a horrid lesson."
"It's not the point," Remus assured him. "What happened to me, what happened to you, should never have occurred. Children don't deserve to have their lives turned upside down. But see... it happened. And I had an effect on people, as did you. More than I ever realised, more than you probably realise. We don't deserve some of the things we got, but that doesn't mean our lives are worthless. Because sometimes the bad things allowed us to be better people. And the people we love were better for it."
"It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live," Harry said aloud. "Dumbledore told me that, once."
"And he was very right."
"What are you two doing in here?" Dora asked, her head peering in.
Remus smiled. "Just giving Harry some life advice."
Coming back hadn't meant there wasn't still a war; nor did it save everything. Remus's heart still hurt for Sirius. But at least Sirius had died surrounded by friends, fighting the good fight, and not in a cell, or a bitter unforgiving sea.
Life had purpose. That, Remus would never forget.
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